***WARNING, EXPLICIT LANGUAGE***
Sometimes it is not easy to sit down and write about touchy subjects. This one has been rolling around in my head for a few days and I feel it is important to get the message out.
Society has double standards, everyone knows it, they have chosen to accept it or ignore it. Sometimes those double standards are also opposite messages. Society teaches women one thing and men another. The problem is, who gets hurt when those messages tend to clash so drastically?
I want to share a scenario that has happened all too often in our society.
Jean and Sam go out on a first date. They both had an ok time at dinner, Jean still isn’t too sure how she feels about him. As Sam brings her home, he convinces her to let him come in so they can talk a little more and “get to know each other better.” Jean has been single for a while and in the dating world, she knows what that means to some men. Sam isn’t taking no for an answer, he convinces her he’ll only be there a few minutes. He’s a good guy, she needs to give him a chance.
Jean agrees. As they are sitting on the couch talking, Jean realizes he isn’t a bad guy, she just knows he isn’t the one for her. As she starts to hint it is time to go, Sam leans over and starts kissing her. He kisses GREAT. Jean knows she shouldn’t, but she returns his kisses. It has been a while since she has been kissed like that. Maybe there is hope after all.
Sam’s hands start traveling up her shirt. She pushes them away. She likes his kisses, but that’s it. She isn’t going any further with him. She tells him no. He starts kissing her neck, her ear. She likes it, she’s human. She loves the feel of his lips. His hands start to undo her pants. She tells him no again and suggests it is time for him to leave. As she stands up, he follows her. He starts kissing her again, this time a little more forcefully. He takes her hand and places it against his pants…”Come on baby, don’t do this to me” he whispers to her. She pushes her hand away and says it’s time for him to go.
He doesn’t go. He starts getting a little rougher, kisses her deeper, by this time he has his penis out of his pants without her even realizing it and wraps her fingers around it with his hand. He tells her she “can’t get him hard and then just leave him like that” but his tone isn’t as nice as it was when they started. She says no and pulls her hand away. He grabs her hand and starts walking down the hallway. “I know you are a good girl, you have to say no. Let me help you be bad” His grip on her hand is firm. “Where is your room?” he asks. She numbly answers.
Sam doesn’t even realize his kisses are not longer being returned. Jean is no longer a participant and he doesn’t even care.
They have sex. Sam gets up, gets dressed, and leaves, making sure to drop a quick kiss on Jean’s lips as he walks out the door, “Thanks babe, talk later” and he’s gone.
Jean knows she won’t hear from him again. She locks the door, crawls back into bed, trying to figure out what happened. As she closes her eyes, a single tear slides down her cheek.
No, this isn’t an except from a book. It is a situation a lot of single women between the ages of 25-45 face, sometimes more than once. They didn’t want sex but they learn sometimes it is easier to just let it happen than it is to fight him off. They think to themselves, he’s not the first guy I’ve slept with, he won’t be the last. Just let him get it over with so he’ll leave. This is not a “woe is women” or a “let’s bash men” blog, it is about opening our eyes to some of the problems we face in our society.
She will clearly blame herself for letting it happen because, often, we are taught it is the woman’s fault if something goes wrong in the relationship so in this case, she will think she did something to make him think it was ok to sleep with her.
First, let’s put it out there, Men like sex, women like sex. The whole myth about men liking it more is ridiculous.
Society teaches women…..”Good Girls Say No” “Bad Girls say yes”
Society teaches men……”Good girls say no because they have to, but they really want it”
Do you see a problem with the teaching???? It leads to MAJOR PROBLEMS.
Growing up in the Law & Order, Law & Order SVU era, we learned rape happens, we learn it can happen by people we know. What we don’t learn is, Rape isn’t always obvious. In every episode, the woman (or man) KNOWS they were raped or they were drugged and don’t know a thing.
In this scenario, was Jean raped? She said no. She NEVER said yes. Did she lead him to her room? Yes, but it wasn’t because she wanted sex with him. It is because she had been down this road before and knew he wasn’t going to leave until he had sex with her. At some point, it’s easier to go numbly along than to put up so much of a fight that it feels too much like rape to forget. But you still don’t forget. It stays in your memory.
As I talked to women I know about this subject, they sadly recalled a time (or two) it happened to them. They remember the details like it was yesterday. They didn’t want sex with the man. It wasn’t about being a “good girl” it was about the fact HE wasn’t someone they wanted sex with.
Over time, as women who date, as women who do enjoy sex WITH THE RIGHT PERSON, we learn to accept the fact sometimes men are going to get sex if they want it. They begin to believe they agreed to it. They chalk it up to a bad decision. The convince themselves THEY wanted it. Why? Because they feel like they contributed to it. Maybe they shouldn’t have kissed him back. Why did they show them where the bedroom is? Why did they let him come inside in the first place? Women are taught to accept the blame, because we “know how men can be.”
For some women, they choose they men poorly and it continues to happen. Perhaps it is a self-esteem issue, perhaps they were raised in the belief you give the man what he wants if you want to keep him, who knows. I can see how it could easily lead to a different path, like prostitution. She begins to feel like, hey, if men are going to keep having sex with me when I don’t want it, I might as well get paid for it. I’m not saying it happens all the time, I am saying it can be understood HOW one might leap from one to the other.
How do we change this? Honestly, I don’t know if we really can, but it starts with society changing their views…..
For women: GOOD GIRLS can enjoy sex without feeling guilty about it. Having consensual sex does not change who you are as a person.
A woman is not a slut if she has sex on the first date. If they both want to have sex, GREAT. Now, that doesn’t mean it is advised if you are looking for something long-term and meaningful, but that is for another blog.
Just because you invite him in doesn’t give him the right to expect sex.
Just because you make out with him doesn’t give him the right to expect sex.
Make sure your NO means no, and when you want to say yes, just say yes….don’t feel bad about it
For Men: Women enjoy sex as much as you, doesn’t mean every woman wants to sleep with you.
No means no, it does NOT mean she is only saying no to put on an appearance of being a good girl.
Buying her dinner does not give you the right to expect sex
Being invited in to her home does not automatically mean she wants sex, maybe she does sometimes, maybe she doesn’t.
Just because she kisses you doesn’t give you the right to expect it will lead to sex.
I don’t want anyone to think I am making light of rape. Rape is a heinous crime and happens more often than we even know.
The only way we can stop some of this from happening is to start talking about it. Having open discussions between men and women. Getting past the negative views society puts on women for enjoying sex so they can talk more openly about the time sex happened they DID NOT want.
It starts with non-judgment and honesty.