Category Archives: Relationships

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Sometimes the broken road is still the best path to the destination – HaliPawz

Six years ago today, I went on a first date. I don’t remember the details of the date but it must have went ok because there was a second and third. It led to a short relationship. This was a rough time for me in general.  It was the first date I had gone on since my dad passed away in January of the same year. His first name was the same as my dad’s. He was so different from anyone I had ever dated. I took all this as a sign. Maybe I needed something, someone, different than those I had dated in the past.

William truly was different than anyone I had ever dated in so many ways. He was younger than me, a lot younger. He attacked life in such a unique way. He was tall, thin, and did not look like anyone I had ever dated either. He made me happy. So happy that I invited him to go to Michigan with me for a family wedding. While there were some fun moments in Michigan including showing him Lake Huron & Lake Michigan, there were also some difficult moments. Between his nerves of meeting my entire family at one time, my emotional state of still dealing with my loss, we ending up arguing more than we should and didn’t handle them well. The drive back to Missouri was not a fun one and, while we tried, we eventually parted ways. One positive discussion that came out of our trip back was he convinced me to take a chance and take the muzzle off of Zipper. He said I had to remove the muzzle or find a new home for Bella.  He made me realize it wasn’t fair to either of them living the way they were.  They both deserved better.  I appreciated his bluntness and perspective on the situation.

We stayed in contact off and on over the years.  I always had a soft spot for him. He moved to the east coast. One day, out of the blue, he called and asked if I was home. I was. He stopped by. We talked, we laughed, Bella loved on him. I reminded him of the role he played on Bella & Zipper living together, usually peacefully.

He loved the east coast and invited me to come out to visit him. I wanted to but life got in the way. Honestly, I probably got in the way. There was a part of me, I’m sure, who thought “why go? Is there really a future?” Some of it was just the timing in general.  I was at a new job and time away wasn’t easy.

Before I could really make it happen, he moved again. This time to Florida. No matter how much of a soft spot I had, there was no way I could be with someone who doesn’t want roots and I made assumptions, such as, he doesn’t want roots, he’ll always be moving, etc.  Someone who can just pick up and move on a whim. I could never do it. Between the dogs, the horse….my love of boxes of stuff and my hatred of moving….I did not understand his choices at the time and didn’t see myself being a part of it.

So why am I sharing this story?

Back in March I went to Florida for a family trip. I was supposed to join up with my mom, along with other family members, to watch my niece Breanna march with her high school band at Walt Disney World and Universal Studios. The trip did not go as planned in many ways, more on that in another post, but I found myself with some free time in Florida without family. As I posted pictures on social media, I learned a friend from Kansas City was also at Disney with his son so I hung out with them a little but William also reached out to me. Not going to lie….because of the way we communicated and his, no, to be fair, our past, I did not put a lot of stock in our conversations. He told me he was going to be in Orlando the second day of my trip and maybe we could see each other. I said sure. We did not see each other. I chalked it up to typical way things went with us.

We continued to talk while I was there. He said he was going to try to come see me after work the night I was going to be at Universal Studios. I said sure…..and if I was being honest…..never expected to see him. Pitbull was doing a concert there the evening I was going to be there. I knew none of my family members would not want to stay for it so I planned on staying and then just catching an Uber back to the resort. There was a Mardi Gras parade before the concert so I was looking forward to a fun evening.

While we were all at dinner, William confirmed he was on his way up. Even then, because I misunderstood something he had said to me, I did not believe I would see him. I know, I know….I sound so negative but I have always been open about my belief that relationships and me don’t mix so I don’t put a lot of faith in things working out when it comes to anything to do with relationship stuff.

I’m standing along the parade route and he messaged me asking me where I was. I saw him in the crowd headed towards me and smiled. His presence always makes me smile. His high energy hasn’t changed. His exuberance for life can be exhausting sometimes but some things changed that night. The parade was fun. The Pitbull concert was amazing, he is such a great performer, especially with his passion for Florida, but that’s not what changed. It was sitting in William’s car, waiting for the traffic to clear out so we could head back to the resort.

Mardi Gras Parade float at Universal Studios Florida

We talked. I mean we really talked. He’s in sales and he’s great at what he does, but because he’s great at it, he sometimes goes into “sales speak”. For the first time, I shared with him how difficult it is to talk to him when he does it but it wasn’t in annoyance, it was in communication. Even the drive back to the resort was filled with great communication. We talked better than we ever had. We stopped the surface chit chat and really talked. I gained a new appreciation and understanding for who he is, for how he is sometimes.

He stayed in Orlando and we spent some time at Disney Springs the next morning. It was nice just spending time with him with no schedule or agenda. I knew we didn’t have a lot of time because he had some things to do before heading back home but we enjoyed the time we did have.

Here it is, May 29th and things have changed between us. We are still talking. We have decided to see where things could go between us. We both have changed so much in the last 6 years but what hasn’t changed is the feelings we both have for each other. When we talk or spend time together, he makes me feel like I am the most important thing to him. There are a lot of things stacked against us. Our schedules are hectic, he works long days so communication is often short or via text. We are long distances away from each other, which isn’t easy, but we both are committed to trying.

Who knows what the future brings. When I mentioned to him our 6 year anniversary from our first date (no clue why I had the date saved on my calendar all these years) was coming up, he said “6 years ago, I was still figuring life out”. I laughed. I’m 44 and still figuring life out. The road to today has been filled with twists, turns, potholes, even complete roadblocks….but the destination, while still not completely clear, seems worth the journey.

Happy Anniversary William, lets hope the next 6 years isn’t as broken!

 

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Do you want the icing or the cake? -HaliPawz

Sometimes it is important to take the time to make sure all of the ingredients are correct in the relationship before you add the “icing” to the cake. Remember, if you don’t put the correct ingredients in or cook for the right amount of time, the cake isn’t worth eating.  Once it’s done, it has to cool before adding the icing or it doesn’t stick to the cake.

Take your time and your cake will be amazing.

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Rachel Dolezal; Conversations are Happening, Opinions are forming – HaliPawz

When the Rachel Dolezal story first broke, I made a statement on social media about possible mental instability.  
I was challenged by someone I know as to the reason behind calling her mentally unstable. They asked how I could openly support Caitlyn Jenner but not support Rachel. They said it was the same thing. I disagreed but I APPRECIATED their thoughts.  It made me think. Is it the same thing? Do I know enough about the story to even make an intelligent opinion about it. Conversations were starting all over the Internet.  With every hot news topic, everyone had an opinion and everyone wanted to share theirs.

I love conversations. I love having my thoughts challenged, especially when it is done respectfully and by someone who isn’t just spouting off to say something but someone who has given thought to their perspective as well. It is how we grow, how we learn. If we only surround ourselves by people who think like we do, act like we do, look like we do, we never grow as a person.

Rachel Dolezal changing her looks, changing her race

Let’s look at some of the positives surrounding Rachel Dolezal.

She immersed herself in something she was passionate about.  I read an article on Jezebel about complimenting Rachel on her hairstyles and her commitment to black hair.  The article was spot on! Rachel did an amazing job with her hair.  She was a professor of Africana Studies.  Clearly she educated herself in many ways.

She was doing a job she was proud of. NAACP does not limit their hiring to just people of color, jobs are open to the most qualified person.  Would Rachel have been the most qualified if she said she was white only? Who knows. It isn’t for us to speculate.  At the end of the day, she was doing a job she loved.  I actually feel bad for her about losing it.  I haven’t read one article stating she did a bad job, so it’s sad she had to walk away from something she enjoyed and it may be a loss for the NAACP chapter. If the job application asked what race do you most identify with (like many do) she didn’t lie on it.  She did identify with the black race.  I’m not mad at her for it.

People seemed to genuinely like her.  She seemed happy.  She was married, divorced, had a circle of friends, had children, worked…overall, appeared to be living the American Dream.

I have no issue with someone wanting to be transracial.  With someone wanting to identify as another race.  I think we, as a society, get too hung up on little things.  If someone white marries a Hispanic man and, because their children will be half Hispanic, immersed herself in learning all about the Hispanic culture, speaks Spanish fluently, etc, no one questions her racial ethnicity if her last name has a Hispanic sound to it, she gets divorced and then married a Scandinavian man and takes his last name, someone might not take her as seriously about her Hispanic knowledge. To me, that is a problem.  We only want to accept someone as an authority on a subject of they look the part.  Rachel seemed to understand this and decided the only way to truly be seen as an authority in the field she loved was to truly immerse herself in it.  She stated, in an interview with the Today show that she saw herself as black from an early age, using brown crayons and curly hair when she drew self-portraits (her parent’s denied this).

In that same interview, Matt Lauer asks her about changing her complexion.  She stated, “I certainly don’t stay out of the sun.”  As a white woman who tans, I understand how easy it is for someone to develop a darker look to their skin tone.  At one point, I tanned so much, a guy I was dating would tease me and say I was darker than his son, who wasn’t bi-racial and we would both laugh about it.  Had I changed my hair to a darker color instead of my blond highlights, would people think I was a different race?  Would they wonder if I was bi-racial when they saw me walking with a black man?  Would they even care?  I would like to think they just wouldn’t care, why would it matter?  I can see how easy it was for Rachel to just allow the news stories to print whatever race they wanted to print about her and not correct them.

Some other statements Rachel made make complete sense to me.  When she was questioned about the black man she called her dad, she smiled and said, “he is my dad”  she went on to explain any man can be a father, but not everyone can be a dad.  My dad, who passed away in 2013, was an amazing man.  Sadly, his death followed a ten year battle with Alzheimer’s. During that time, I had moved to Kansas City, was away from my family, living on my own.  There was a father figure down here who would be an ear for me, would be there for me when I needed someone to talk to.  I, and many others, appreciated his wisdom and called him dad.  He is black.  I never once thought anything about his race.  It was never to take anything away from my own dad or my family.  I loved him dearly and love my family, but I couldn’t talk to my dad, he was a shell of his former self and appreciated the time and wisdom I had down in Kansas City.  Had someone heard me call him that outside of the scope of those who knew us, they might have drawn their own conclusions.  It is clear Rachel and her family have issues.  It has been said they are estranged.  This man, whom she identifies as her dad, could be, by all rights, a dad to her.  Again, I have no issue with that.

Even the discussions around her suing Howard University for discrimination because she was pregnant and white were interesting.  At first, like others, I thought she was just using her race to suit her when it fit.  She wants to identify as black, yet sues and says the university has a problem with her being white, because she is, in fact, white.  Then I dug a little deeper.  Rachel lost the suit.  She claims her anger was over the accusations that she didn’t need the money because she had white relatives who could pay her way.  Maybe some did say that to her.  Maybe it was the catalyst that caused her to start thinking she had to drastically change her looks in order to get to where she wanted to be in her life.

Where my understanding and agreement towards Rachel ends and where I begin to question her mental stability seem to largely stem around the topic of her family.  She made a statement in the previously mentioned interview on the Today Show that when she received full custody of her brother Isaiah and she stated, “I certainly can’t be seen as white and be Isaiah’s mom.”  To make a statement like that is a slap in the face to every parent of a bi-racial child!  Every mom and dad who is raising a child of a race different than their own fights battles of one kind or another from time to time, but they don’t turn around and say they are the same race or make physical changes to their bodies to closer identify with their child’s race!

Rachel would send out tweets that, would, in fact, seem almost anti-white in nature.  While they didn’t come right out and say, hey, I hate white people, they were pretty close.  I found it interesting that she referenced Kwanzaa in one tweet.  While many people just think it is an African term for the Christmas holiday, similar to Hanukkah, it is not.  Kwanzaa is actually a celebration of African-American unity.  It was NOT started in Africa.  It was started by an American less than 50 years ago.  It has some similarities to different African thanksgiving style celebrations, but it not rooted in Africa.  There is some debate that, while non African-Americans do recognize it and celebrate it, it really is another tool for division between the races.  The true history behind it is to empower African-American’s to help each other, build their own communities, support one another.  While this is great, the deeper roots studies show it is said to be done without the “white person’s help” which would make it, in some ways, Anti-white.  If you change it in your family to match your style, and say it is about supporting your community, your family, regardless of racial affiliation, that is great, but it should be understood better before you just start celebrating it.

She posted on Facebook she was “going with the natural look as I start my 36th year” regarding her hair.

Rachel Dolezal Facebook Post about going natural

She recently admitted it was a weave. Since she is a black hair hairstylist, she does all her own hair, but still, it is clearly a lie to say she is “going natural” when, in fact, it is a weave.

I think Rachel has been living this lie for so long she is no longer able to differentiate between what is truth, fact, and fiction.

Rachel wants to be so far away from her family that she is making up her own history.  She says she was born in a teepee, hunted for food with bows and arrows.  Once the story starts, it just seems to keep snowballing.  That is typical of a person who has a problem with telling the truth.

Maybe there is a reason she has distanced herself from her family.  I don’t believe her parent’s are saints as some in the media are claiming they are.  Yes, they did adopt four children of a race different than their own.  Yes, they are all over the news media sharing how they just want to tell the truth and their daughter doesn’t.  None of this means they are without blame or wonderful parents. Did Rachel turn her brother Isaiah against her parents and white people in general? Is that why he went to live with her at 16? It seems like this is truly a family divided, full of hurt, thrown accusations, allegations of abuse and lies, between parents and children alike.  Maybe it was easier for Rachel to just become someone else than to truly deal with the damaging affects of this toxic family dynamic.

Rachel Dolezal's Siblings

Rachel Dolezal’s Siblings courtesy of American Thinker

While there have been comparisons between her at Caitlyn Jenner, I have to disagree.  When Caitlyn was Bruce, she owned who she was.  She might have been miserable as a man, and longed to be a woman, but she still owned who she was.  Now, as Caitlyn, she isn’t going around saying everything about her is real.  The ONLY similarity I can see is that Bruce (born a man) DESIRED to be Caitlyn (a woman) and Rachel (born white) DESIRES to be black.  I have no issue with her following her dream and desires, just don’t lie along the way!

At the end of the day, I appreciate Rachel for opening our eyes and our conversations towards racial acceptance and the desire to be transracial.  As I always say, everyone should be allowed to be who they want to be as long as it doesn’t bring harm to children, animals, or other individuals.  If she wants to be black and wants to be viewed as black, who are we to say she can’t be?  My heart does go out to her and all of her family though.  Perhaps with help, they can navigate through all of the hurt they all feel, start admitting their faults and forgiving the other’s faults, and be a family one day again.

If you like this and want to stay up to date with my posts, follow me on Twitter @HaliPawz  or Like me on Facebook.com/HaliPawz

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Reluctant to stay, ready to go, why we are our own worst enemies when it comes to dating – HaliPawz

dogs, flowers, relationships

I believe, as we get older, dating becomes a chore, not something we cherish.  I’m 40 and HATE dating now.  When I was younger, I was quick to go on a date or even, yes, gasp, do the “hook up” with someone.  The thrill of getting to know him, the thrill of the anticipation, it was all so much fun.  I might have even been a serial dater over the years, if you want to get right down to it.  It doesn’t mean I didn’t want the relationship, I did, often it would just be with the wrong guy.  Those stories will have to come another day though, trust me, some of them are pretty funny.  The thing I find interesting now is how quick people are to just walk away when the person doesn’t seem “perfect” but they can’t seem to understand perfect doesn’t exist because we are humans, we evolve over time, our thinking changes, our priorities change.  My “perfect man” in my twenties is no where near who I would consider my “perfect man” now that I am 40.  It’s ok!  Could you imagine if we never changed?  If our thoughts and ideas stayed the same every year.  I know I would be a little scared.  The thing is, today, it seems like everyone is reluctant to stay in a relationship, they are ready to go out the door, and that is why I say we are our own worst enemies when it comes to dating.

Young love, as in the two people are young, is simple.  We aren’t hung up on all the BS we seem to get hung up on as we get earlier.  The fighting is because one didn’t call the other enough or they fight over who loves who more, ahhhh to be that simple again.

Young love, as in the relationship is new, when you’re older takes a whole new meaning.  We have to juggle our friends, will they like him or not, because, let’s face it, they have been around a lot longer than he has, so they aren’t going anywhere.  Not once do we think, hey, they are as old as me, they are single still, is their opinion of him out of love and concern for us or out of jealousy and spite because you met someone and she didn’t?  Yes, it does happen.  We worry about our family liking him.  I know my family is used to my “flavor of the week” from my past, so when they are introduced to a new guy, they don’t really give him much thought right away.  Their typical comment is, if you like him, we’ll be nice to him.  I love my family for thinking like that, but it also makes me laugh.  I haven’t done the “flavor of the week” in over 12 years, but they still think of me like that, so I let them.  Honestly, living so far away makes it easier.  I try not to talk about any new guy and don’t bring them home to meet them unless something big is going on and I really like him.  We have to juggle our work, social life, family, and new relationship.  It isn’t as easy when you’re older.  You like doing things with your friends or family, so dropping everything to go out with your new guy, especially if you aren’t 100% sure about him, isn’t as enticing to you.  When you’re young (in age) you’ll drop everything to go hang out with him.  Then there is HIS mentality as well.  If he’s been single for a while too, it’s even worse.  He doesn’t understand why you want him to forgo hanging out with the guys to spend time with you.  Yes, it’s a little hypocritical, because you don’t want to do it either, but we won’t talk about that!   How do two people every get together over the age of 35?  Add young children, which I don’t have to worry about, into the mix and it gets even tougher I’m sure.  Maybe not though, maybe those with children are used to changing their plans on the spur of the moment.  Maybe it’s just us single people with no kids who get so set in our ways.

I have watched a show on A&E called Married At First Sight.  If you haven’t seen it, I want to give you a little snapshot of the premise.  Four experts, a psychologist; Dr. Joseph Cilona, who, for the record is a very attractive man, I think A&E should feature him even more, or just do a show where he does the majority of the talking.  I don’t know why, but I love listening and watching him talk.  No wonder he’s so successful, his patient’s would keep coming back to listen to his hypnotizing voice!  But I digress, back to the show.  The other three experts; relationship expert and professor of sociology, Dr. Pepper Schwartz, relationship expert and sexologist, Dr. Logan Levkoff, and religious adviser, Greg Epstein.  These four go through a crazy amount of applicants looking for love and choose six people to participate in the show.  They pair them up and the three couples have to get legally married to each other without knowing a single thing about their new spouse.  They don’t know their name, their likes, their dislikes, any of the information us single people try to get to know before we are even willing to set up a date!  Now, one thing I will say is, it doesn’t appear like the experts match them up for television drama like so many reality television shows do.  It appears like they give it a lot of thought and truly want the three couples to make the marriage a success.  In the first season, the couples met again at the end of 30 days to say whether they want to stay married or get a divorce.  It appears the experts learned from a few mistakes and now, the couple gets married, goes on a honeymoon, then comes back and has to live together for four weeks, so in total, it is about six weeks they are together and then meet to say whether they want to stay married or get a divorce.  In the second season, the experts also plan time to meet with the couples throughout the time frame, so they aren’t just left alone navigating the marriage waters.  GREAT CHANGES in my opinion.  It makes sense they want the marriages to be successful.  Imagine what it would do to the dating world?  What they, as experts in the relationship field, could learn from the social experiment and use in their individual practices could be priceless.  In the first season, two couples stayed married and went on to continue filming their first year together.  One couple chose to divorce.  The second season is still airing, so we don’t know yet who will make it and who won’t, if any.  I’ll be sure to post an update when it finishes!

One of the things I noticed while watching the show is, all of them go through a rough patch at one point or another, and ALL of them say (paraphrasing)

If we hadn’t been married, I would have been gone by now.  If we had only been dating, it would have been a red flag and I wouldn’t have stayed with him/her.

In less than three weeks, each of them found something in their spouse who, had they not signed up and COMMITTED to sticking in out because they were married AND because they signed a contract to do the show, they would have left.  Every one of them, so far, with the exception of one, have been able to get help with COMMUNICATION and were able to sit down to discuss the situation and work it out.  It doesn’t mean we didn’t see some anger, passion, fighting, and disagreements come out of some of the couples, but, for the most part, AFTER they were able to calm down and actually TALK about their emotions and feelings, they grew from it.  It is just an example of how “knee jerk” we have become as a society.  If we don’t like something, we just walk away.  It’s like we don’t want to give anything a chance.

Another thing I found interesting about the experiment(s) is that, in each season, at least one person did not find their new spouse attractive.  Don’t get me wrong, not a single person featured on the show would be what society would consider unattractive.  You never see shows like this with people who are over weight, in their forties, etc.  I’ll never be chosen for a reality show about relationships!  I don’t think I’m ugly, that isn’t what I’m saying.  I’m just saying, I would not be the society pretty reality shows pick for love and romance.  We are left to figure it out on our own.  Again, sidetracked….back to my point.  Both seasons, one of the females did not find her new spouse attractive.  To the point they wanted to run away.  They didn’t think it would ever work.  He didn’t give her butterflies when she saw him.  Within two weeks, both of them were changing their opinion.  Not only did they no longer want to run, but they talked about how attractive they actually found him.  I do think we can sometimes get hung up on looks too much.  Yes, there has to be an attraction, don’t get me wrong….but is the attraction all physical or does there have to be a mental attraction as well?  I know I personally have changed over the years as to what I find attractive.  It doesn’t mean I’m lowering my standards it just means I can appreciate a man’s smile, or his eyes, and find something like that which makes him so attractive in my eyes.  I always say, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but it starts with a mirror”

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Sometimes we let society, our friends, and family interfere with our relationships and affect the way we see someone else.  In the past, I wrote about loving for love and yourself, no one else and it is so true.  In the case of these couples, their spouses personality shone through and made them attractive to the other person.  Had they not been doing the show, they would have never met, never taken the time to learn about each other, and see how attracted they really were to this guy they called ugly.

Relationships are not easy.  Not the lasting ones anyway.  They take work.  Today would have been my parent’s 60th wedding anniversary.  My dad passed away in 2013.  He had suffered from Alzheimer’s for ten years before he passed.  Their marriage wasn’t perfect.  It had it’s ups and downs.  I remember listening to my share of arguments between the two of them.  Sometimes the storms were rough, but after they made it through them, they came out stronger.  That is something I learned from them.  Getting through the rough spots doesn’t just get you to the other side, it makes you STRONGER as an individual.  My mom had the strength to make it through some really difficult times with a man who could be, at times, a grumpy man, and went on to care for him for five years of his Alzheimer’s keeping him at home until we, her children, stepped in to let her know he needed more care than she could physically give him.  He spent his remaining five years in a nursing home, where she went almost every day to see him and feed him his lunch.  The only days she didn’t go was if she was out of town or the weather was just too bad for her to get out.  She stayed true to him and a wife to him to the very end.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should stay with someone JUST to stay with them.  I’m saying we, as a society, are quick to react instead of trying to communicate and fix.  I know everyone says they have a list of reasons why they would leave and every thing else is things they would try to work through, but is that really true?  Think about reasons why you have left some of your past long term relationships…..was it because of something on your “hard” list or was it really due to poor communication?

Clearly I am not a relationship expert, I am single right now, so I won’t profess to have all of the answers.  Sometimes I am guilty of seeing the red flags and making some up if there isn’t really any evident ones.  I get not everything is solved with communication if both parties are not committed.  This isn’t about people who meet to decide if there is a connection, it is about couples who are ready to SAY they are a couple and be in a committed relationship…..don’t run the minute things make you want to run.  Stop.  Calm down so your brain is doing the communication, not your emotions.  Then COMMUNICATE about what happened about what upset you.  It’s amazing how much better communication goes when it’s done in a calm, honest manner, not an emotional, hurtful manner.

In the end, we all have to remember humans are just that; human.  We are individuals trying to make it work with another individual.  It’s not easy.  It’s not always fun.  The thing to remember is, it is worth it!

If you like this and want to stay up to date with my posts, follow me on Twitter @HaliPawz  or Like me on Facebook.com/HaliPawz 

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Labeling Religion brings lack of acceptance – HaliPawz

dogs, dachshund, mastiff, tolerance, differences

We seem to love labels.  I don’t know if it’s an American thing, a world thing, but the idea of saying, “I’m just not sure, I’m still figuring it out” doesn’t seem to be used enough or accepted enough.

I had a conversation last night with a friend and we started discussing religion and family.  He has stated many times in the past he is agnostic but I have also heard him use the word “atheist” in the past.

The conversation took place because he wasn’t planning on going to church with his mom on Mother’s Day.  Now I don’t care if someone goes or doesn’t go to church, but it was his reasoning behind why he wasn’t going.  He said it was because he’s “atheist, agnostic, or whatever” (his words not mine).  You can’t really be Atheist, Agnostic, or whatever.  I called him out on his choice of words!

If he was, indeed, agnostic, going to church really would be no problem at all. Going to church with family would be no different than going to a family member’s house you don’t really care for, but you go out of respect or expectation.  As an agnostic person, you aren’t against the concept of a God, you’re just skeptical or non-committal towards the idea of God.  If this is the case, then suck it up, make your mom happy, and go to church.  It shouldn’t be an issue and you’re mom is happy.

His issue isn’t with God or even the existence of God, it is with the labels and expectations, mostly associated with organized religion.

I decided it was time for us to discuss this further and help him understand why others have difficulty respecting his stand when his stand is always changing.

I try to understand other’s points of views, even if I don’t always agree with them.  Because of this, I try to use words or terminology which will fit the person I am talking to.  If I’m talking to a Christian, I state I am a Christian, I just have difficulty with organized religion. If I’m talking to an Agnostic person, I state I most identify as a Christian but all it means is I believe in a higher spirit, just not necessarily organized religion. It is the same thing, I’m wording it for the best comprehension.

I accept and respect ANY religion which does not bring harm to others.  Yes, even the understood “Christian” religions who choose to kill “in the name of God” aren’t doing it because of God, they are doing it because of some organized religion directing them to do so.

How many of us know someone like this?

Why does anyone think their religion is better than another’s, when, in reality, it is all the same?

Imagine, if you will, going back hundreds of years and talking to a Native American about his religion. Now imagine you are a Christian determined to convert him to Christianity because you believe in it so much.  First you tell him his religion is wrong because he prays to a “spirit” to bring rain.  He is wrong because he believes in Gods and Godesses and there can be only ONE God.  You tell him all this and then proceed to tell him about YOUR God, your religion. You tell him about God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, Jaweh, King of Kings, etc….Ummm can you see how that information could make a head spin??? Tell me again what the difference is? Never mind the fact BOTH believe in an ultimate higher being. BOTH believe in human immortality and an afterlife. Just because someone puts different words to the same concept doesn’t make it wrong or give it a different meaning! When a Christian is experiencing a drought, he prays to God for rain but I sure the term “Mother Nature” has been said at one point in time, either by them or by someone they know.  Why is it so easy to accept Mother Nature but not another person’s terminology for God?


Religion isn’t easy.  It is the desire to accept something that is not felt, not touched, not seen. Then we (humans) come along and make it more difficult by wanting to wrap our beliefs, the way WE understand it, up in a pretty box and put a bow on it because we cannot accept the fact it is all the same, just summarized differently.

The next time you want to have an issue with someone else’s beliefs, take a minute, ask them to explain it, or use the Internet to get a better understanding, if it is completely different than your own, respectfully explain your belief, your understanding….but in the end, if your belief or theirs brings NO HARM or DISRESPECT to others, accept it as theirs and move on.  One is not better than the other.

When respect and acceptance of differences begin to be a norm, society will be a much better place!

If you liked this and want to stay up to date with me, follow me on Twitter @HaliPawz  or Like me on Facebook.com/HaliPawz 

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Is Darth Vader secretly a Dominant in BDSM – HaliPawz

Darth Vader is known worldwide.  Just the mere mention of his name and a clear image comes to mind.  I believe Darth Vader secretly is a Dominant in the BDSM world.

Let’s look at the facts.

He has an imposing presence.  He exudes confidence.  When he enters a room, eyes turn to him.  He is tall and well built.  Not to mention he wears all black very well.

Imposing Darth Vader

He is mysterious.  He wears a mask almost all the time.

He wears sexy, lickable boots. I am sure a submissive would be happy to lick and kiss those shiny boots any day.

He would definitely be into breath play. With is ability to force choke, he could choke a sub during play with no effort on his part.  He’d just have to be careful not to take it too far.

He is a complex and conflicted man.  Two traits you often see with a strong Dom.

His theme song is a march!  How easy it would be to punish someone to it’s beat (no pun intended!)

He likes his army to be clones, obeying his every command, responding without argument.  They know how to line up, how to wait for instruction. Just like a Dom, he doesn’t think enough of them to give them names; only two had names (I guess those would be considered the alpha subs!)

Darth Vader army

He loves power.

He likes to have a weapon in his hand and knows how to use it.

He is comfortable causing pain in others.

Let’s face it, Darth Vader is one badass who loves to be feared and respected and that is why I believe he is secretly a Dom in the BDSM world!

If you liked this and want to stay up to date with me, follow me on Twitter @HaliPawz  or Like me on Facebook.com/HaliPawz 

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Relationship Happiness; Someone else’s fairy tales – HaliPawz

Little girls love reading fairy tales.  They love the ending where the prince whisks the princess away and they live happily ever after.  The End.

Growing up, I was not one of those girls.  I didn’t believe in them.  My analytical brain would break them down, point out the flaws, and chalk them up to ridiculousness.  My mom tells me I never cared for them; even before I was reading.  I don’t really remember because I was reading chapter books by kindergarten. Reading has always been something I loved to do, just not fairy tales.  I remember reading a huge book of stories my mom had from when she was a child. I loved it. It was filled with great stories about children, animals, etc.  I could accept talking animals but not fairy tales.  It probably explains all my issues today!

Science is something else I am comfortable with.  Science made sense. “If this, then that” mentality works for me.  It helped me for so many years in the optical industry. I could hear a problem and work through it to find a solution for the patient.  It was one of the reasons I was great at optics.  I believe my love for science and my dislike for fairy tales is the reason I never jumped on the “sci-fi” bandwagon.

As an adult, I still shied away from believing in “Happy Ever After.”  I learned through years of hurt, disappointments, and relationship failures I was better off helping others than thinking I would find happiness. I accepted the path.  I’m ok with it.  I’m happy with who I am.  This is not a “woe is me” blog. The ironic thing is, I am GREAT at helping others with relationships.  I always point out to my friends and acquaintances who come to me, “you know I suck at my own relationships, are you sure you want to ask me?” They still ask, I still answer, and, I’m almost always right.  I hate when it’s bad news I’m delivering to them because I WANT to be wrong, but I know I’m not. I remember one time, I discussed the direction a friend’s relationship was going to take almost step by step.  She thought I was crazy. I broke it down to days…”within 2-3 days, he’s going to do this or say that”…and I was correct every step I said,+/- a day or two.  Those odds are great when it’s good news and a happy relationship, not so good when I’m delivering bad news.

Please understand, I WANT my friends and family to have happy, healthy relationships. Just because I know it’s not meant for me doesn’t mean I don’t want it for others.  I love solving problems, I love making others happy. I will spend two hours on the internet scouring website after website looking for the perfect gift for someone I care about. I do it, not so they acknowledge how great the gift is, but because I would be so appreciative if someone did it for me.  To let someone know you cared enough to spend time THINKING about them, knowing enough about them, and then finding something they might not have even realized existed, is the best feeling.  I may come across to some as cold-hearted, one close friend even refers to me as “The Cold Hearted Assassin” but I honestly love making people laugh, smile, or just happy.  It makes me happy.

In my twenties, I was recovering from a difficult divorce which left me with huge trust issues.  The day I signed my divorce papers I learned so many things about my ex-husband; I didn’t even know who he was. I could not believe I shared a home and a life with a man I didn’t even know.  He had repeatedly lied to me and I was clueless.  Was I really so naïve? I learned to just date.  Honestly, dating for me was almost like alcohol to an alcoholic.  It was always “one more” and I didn’t care.  I was on a path filled with hurt but I wasn’t willing to venture off the path because every time I did, it was met with someone else lying to me.

I started working at Sam’s Club in 2001 and switched focuses.  I was obsessed with moving up the company ladder.  I didn’t give up dating but it did slow down.  I even met someone I liked.  Thought there was a possibility of a real future.  I accepted a promotion which, sadly, would take me away from my family, but I accepted because he was going to move with me, except he didn’t.  It was one excuse after another, but bottom line, I didn’t care about the excuses, I just knew I was alone in a city I knew no one, and it was rough.  My Happily Ever After thwarted again.

I knew I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes though.  I wasn’t going to have a flavor of the week.  I was too busy, for one, and I wanted a more meaningful, deeper connection.  Sadly, I learned, Kansas City is NOT the city to be single in.  The number of men I met who would lie to your face, put you at the bottom of their priorities, or would just want to sleep with you but not date was astounding! Don’t get me wrong, I’d have relationships here and there, but they always ended, usually badly.

I started to see a pattern. Patterns are good for me.  My analytical brain loves to break down patterns, determine where the hiccup was, and try to establish a new pattern.  Some of the patterns became funny to me.  For example, there were a couple of guys who lingered and I don’t know why.  I didn’t leave the door open, I would say we were through, but it was almost like they had a sensor and whenever I had met someone and thought, hey, this might work, I would get a text or call from them.  I would honestly just chuckle about it. They NEVER seemed to understand, even when I would tell them I’m dating someone and I’m happy.  They would disappear and resurface months later. One in particular, I could almost use a text from him as a confirmation I had met someone new.   Maybe he secretly has my phone tapped.  Who knows? It is funny to me.

I say all this because I understand patterns. I would meet men who were unavailable and have some of the best friendships with them.  Perhaps it was because they were unavailable, I let my walls down and let them get to know the real me.  The hard part is, sometimes they would fall for me.  They loved my personality, they loved my passion for life.  I began to believe I was cursed.  Men I couldn’t have loved me, but I couldn’t find a man I could love.

I gave up.  I accepted the fact I was here to help.  I was here to love, but only as someone who loves others, not to be in love.  I was here to write about my pain, my problems, so others would know it isn’t always Happily Ever After and its ok! You can STILL be HAPPY.  Don’t let a relationship status define your happiness.

The irony of this whole blog is the timing.  I started this weeks ago after discussing with a friend my happiness and happy ever after philosophies.  But I just couldn’t finish it.  I got as far as the first two paragraphs and would stop and rewrite.

Then I did something I never do.  I prayed. As a Christian, I believe in God, or a higher spirit, I just don’t really believe in organized religion.  When I pray, I don’t ask for anything for myself unless it’s wisdom or guidance. I may pray for the right words for someone.  I just don’t pray for things to make myself happy.  This time I did. I figured, it can’t hurt.  Within two days, I met someone.  I felt drawn to him, to help him. Conversations escalated quickly and I knew I could help him but I was disappointed.  Here was someone falling for me but I wasn’t falling for him. Ok God, message heard loud and clear.  I’m only here to help.  To fix problems.  I was disappointed but it was ok.

God has a sense of humor, I honestly believe He does.  I think he toys with those of us he knows can handle it just to break up the drudgery of dealing with those who always need Him.  The Bible says we are created in the likeness of Him, well look at brother / sister dynamics.  Look at close cousins.   The teasing / picking on each other has to come from somewhere.

God loves to mess with me, I’m convinced.  A couple of days after meeting the one I felt needed help, I met the most amazing man.  He was the type you say, dang, I’d marry him tomorrow if he asked me, knowing deep down, he wouldn’t, because stuff like that only happens in fairy tales and Hallmark movies.  My point is, it crossed my mind.  I laughed it off.  Silly girl thoughts.

Only I couldn’t ignore it like I had before.  I couldn’t just blow it off. I am careful about emotions. I don’t like them, except happiness.  I don’t trust love because I bomb at love.  I hate being hurt because it makes me feel weak and a little sad because I end up running when I’m hurt.  I hate being sad because no one ever wants to be sad.  So happiness is the only emotion I try to allow myself.

Back to patterns and God’s sense of humor.  I have really liked a lot of people, but to say I have loved a lot? No.  I don’t like love.  I don’t trust it.  Anytime I think it could be a possibility, I reassess it or, in almost every case, the minute I EVEN think it, or mention it to someone, within 48 hours, something happens and it explodes.  Trust me, it’s not me sabotaging it, sometimes I don’t even do or say anything to the person and something happens.  I just chalk it up to God getting the person out of my life for me.

With everything I have shared, it may come as a surprise to you, and to me, when something happened just recently, something so sweet and touching, my heart melted and did a flip-flop.  Wait, what? No. Feelings don’t happen that fast for me.  Ugh! I wasn’t ready for it.

I know, this is where you are saying, Aww …yay! Happily Ever After DID happen for her!

I was processing everything and made a phone call to someone who knows me all too well.  My exact words to her were, “I don’t do love” to which she laughed at me then listened to my story.  After I finished, I said, it doesn’t matter now, because it will explode within 48 hours because I acknowledged feelings. She made me assure her I wouldn’t sabotage anything and just see what happened. I promised her.  I knew it wouldn’t matter.  I am not meant for relationship happiness.  I have accepted it long ago, the only difference this time is I wasn’t looking for it.  I had pretty much given up, so I hadn’t prepared myself.

So what happened you wonder? Sadly, the 48 hours passed.  The explosion occurred. It’s ok.  Does it make me sad? Yes, a little, because it affects one of my deepest desires.  Does it hurt? Yes, of course.  I think the worst part is my ability to feel the shift in the other person’s feelings.  It has always been something I have been gifted with, but when it’s directed at me, it is more painful.

At the end of the day, I will survive.  I will do what I always do.  I will strive to be the best person I can be.  I will strive to do the best job I can do.  I will continue to write and share my life, my feelings, and my journey.

I will love.

The End

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Why are all the good ones taken? – HaliPawz

Well, I finally met the man of my dreams, only to find out he already has a woman! Oh well, it happens sometimes! Oh, did I mention, he’s fictional?

Hot, Rich, and Fictional; Two out of three isn’t bad is it?

Life is interesting sometimes.  One minute you are living your life, fitting eyeglasses, talking to someone about contacts, the next minute you are looking up a comic book reference at 4:30am. Wait a minute….WHAT????

No, I am not losing my mind, at least not today, I hope. I’ll skip all the boring stuff and fast forward to today.  As a member of Randomocity, I realize I am clueless about life’s important things, you know, comic books, superheroes, Star Wars, etc. I sent Frank, aka Beefcake, aka my boss a text the other day confirming “May The Force Be With You” and “Light Sabers” are both, indeed, from Star Wars. Yes, I sent it.  Yes, I’m sure he just shook his head. More than once. I’m sure as he reads this, he will be.  I will be teased about it AGAIN.  It’s OK, I know they are just teasing me in fun and it is funny how clueless I am sometimes when it comes to comics.

I’m an intelligent woman by most standards; high IQ, well spoken.  I have a Think Geek account which I use.  I have always had a love of math and science.  All of that goes out the window because I don’t know my superheroes and villains!  I am now the silly blond chick around the guys.  I think they secretly wonder why they added me! They entertain the listeners, I entertain them with my lack of knowledge of the important [to them] stuff; it’s a win win!

As I was perusing social media, I came across an @UberFacts tweet that caught my attention.

IMG_2103

I recognized Marvel, I recognized DC Comics….who the heck is Black Panther? How is he the richest? Of course, I read the re-tweets and the replies and I see quite a few saying Bat Man / Bruce Wayne is.  Hmm, I love a good debate, even when I am not familiar about both parties involved!

IMG_2105

Thank you comicvine.com for the perfect picture to go with my story!

I decide to dig a little deeper about this debate.  If there is nothing I have not learned already, BEFORE I share something “Comic” related, I need to do my research or I will be teased mercilessly!  It’s borderline abuse I tell you! Ok, maybe not, but my investigative mind wants to know more.  I find an interesting article about the Black Panther character.  He owns his own country which has the world’s only deposit of the most precious metal: Vibranium. He’s rich. $500B rich.  Richer than Bruce Wayne, who, according to Forbes is only worth $9.2B (he went up $3B in one year).

This led me to my next question; why hasn’t Black Panther made the Forbes list if he’s worth more than all of the other ones listed?  You would think $500B would be enough to get noticed.

I’m sure there are a lot of explanations and I’m curios what my Randomocity counterparts will have to say about it, but since it is only 5:30am, I decided to share my story rather than wait for their answers.

Of course, the only question I REALLY should be asking myself is….why am I researching fictional character’s net worth at any time of the day and how do I meet the Black Panther because, well, he’s hot AND rich!

http://www.randomocitypodcast.com/#!Hot-Rich-and-Fictional-Two-out-of-three-isnt-bad-is-it/c1oqh/1C5CBAAD-1EED-4FAF-A97C-C30CF055DC3B

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Love for Love and no one else-HaliPawz

Love is a powerful emotion and it’s important to remember to love for love, not for any other reason.

I remember when I was in 7th or 8th grade, I liked a guy.  I think his name was Ted if I remember correctly.  He was sweet.  He was a little dorky like me.  We could talk easily.  Ted finally asked me to go “steady”.  Going steady back then might not seem like a big deal by today’s standards, it was pretty tame.  You might hold hands.  You might eat lunch together.  You might kiss but the intermediate schoolgirl in me probably wouldn’t have gotten much further.  I was so excited.  I was going steady with the boy I liked.  Life was good.

For about an hour.

Like most girls, I went and told my friends.  I knew they would be excited with me.  They should have been.  Interestingly enough, they weren’t mean to me, but they WERE mean ABOUT Ted.  Girls can be rough.  They couldn’t understand why I would want to go out with him.  He’s soooooo weird (spoken in true grade school voice).  Sadly, they convinced me I shouldn’t WANT to go steady with him.  My going steady lasted the whole some of three hours and I lost  hurt a friend.  Something I regret until this day.  I don’t even know what happened to him, I hope he’s happy.  I hope he’s successful.  He’s probably some rich, intelligent millionaire!

Things happened throughout my school years that kept me from WANTING to date.  It would seem like anytime I met someone who made me happy, someone else would step in and say something and mess it up.  I would watch my friends go in and out of relationships, I would see them lose a male friend because their new “boyfriend” didn’t want them hanging out with another guy.  I decided dating wasn’t worth the headache.  I was happier being “one of the guys” than I was dating a guy.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like I was turning down a lot of offers.  I was pretty shy.  I hid it well, so well most people don’t realize I can be shy even today.  The ironic thing is, all these years later and I’m still more comfortable hanging out with men than most women.

Fast forward to 10th grade.  A friend of mine had a cute cousin.  He asked me out.  I WANTED to say yes, but again, someone else’s opinion affected my decision.  This time it was a respect thing.  This young man happened to be black.  My dad wasn’t racist.  He was older and felt people should date within their race.  It wasn’t a black and white thing, it was ANY race.  He felt it was better for the children.  Perhaps back then there was some truth to it.  It was easy for me to say, “I’m flattered but out of respect for my parents, as long as I live under their roof, I won’t go against them.”  Looking back, I don’t regret it, because I still feel like family is the most important people in our lives and sometimes you have to do something you might not want to out of respect.

I went on to date and marry the man who was to become my husband, then ex husband.  I don’t want to dwell on him because we should have never married in the first place.  He showed me love by showering me with gifts and attention.  He was a show boat.  He wanted everyone to look at him and say how lucky I was to be with him.  Honestly, I didn’t even like who I was when I was with him.  We divorced and I was single again.

I was hurting after my divorce.  I refused to show my family how hurt I was, I felt like I was a failure.  I had picked the wrong guy…..again.  This time with no outside influences, just the opposite really.  Everyone loved him.  Loved him for me.

I dated, a LOT, following my divorce.  I don’t even know if dating is the right word, because sometimes I couldn’t even remember the name of the guy I was at dinner with.  He didn’t matter to me.  I didn’t want to be alone, I didn’t want to be single, but I didn’t trust myself to get invested emotionally with anyone.

Interestingly, every guy I dated after my divorce was black.  It wasn’t a defiant thing, it was an attraction thing. (To set the record straight, by this time, my dad had changed his opinion somewhat about interracial dating)  One day my ex (he was my boyfriend at the time) said to me, “You know, if we every break up, you’ll never date another white man, you just aren’t attracted to us”  and he was right.  I wasn’t attracted to HIM.  I loved him but not the way a woman should love a man, he started out as a friend and figured out how to make me love him so he could have the ideal world.  But remember, he was PERFECT for me, according to everyone else.

I was fortunate to date some great men over the years.  I never let them close to me emotionally because I didn’t want to get hurt, but I can still say they were great men.

What I find strange about our society is the way we judge one another’s relationships and compare the couple in terms of society attraction.  I have always been overweight. I don’t hide it.  I don’t make excuses for it.  I work out, I lose weight, I gain weight.  I won’t say I yo-yo because it can be over years for the up and down to take place.  Interestingly enough, I was attracted to athletes, especially those with the linebacker build.  If I dated someone society viewed as “hot” people would wonder why he was with me.  For some reason, our society accepts “hot” women dating overweight guys with no problem, but they do not want to accept a “hot” guy dating an overweight woman. Another example of things wrong with our society.

I didn’t let this bother me.  If I was with the “hot” guy, I was just happy because I had the hot guy. Oddly enough, sometimes the hot guy was with me for my personality but I couldn’t stand his!  I would be bored.  My mind wasn’t stimulated so my heart couldn’t be. I fell in and out of relationships so fast back then, my family started calling them the flavor of the week.  I didn’t like the reputation or the connotation, but I couldn’t find what I was looking for.

Every now and then, a guy would get me to calm down.  I would actually put in an effort to have a relationship.  The only problem was, again, they would be approved by my family or friends, or both, but they wouldn’t be approved by me.  Not always through any fault of my own.  Sometimes they were just bad boyfriends.

I moved out of Michigan and when the person I thought was going to move with me couldn’t at the last-minute, I decided to restructure my life.  I didn’t want to go back to the “flavor of the week” mentality but I also didn’t want to settle for someone who treated me poorly.  How do you find the balance?

I didn’t.  I was lonely here.  No family, no friends, travelling for work all the time.  I’m shy.  I’m an introvert but keep it hidden.  I fell for the handsome guy that could spin words so well I believed we were going to be together forever.  I had a good job, was alone down here, and I let him take advantage of my loneliness.  Not once in four years with him did he EVER pay for a meal.  We would go on vacation, he wouldn’t pay for a thing.  He would constantly tell me how much I would have to change in order for him to move from love to something permanent.  I convinced myself I believed in what he was doing and the best way to help him was to support him however I needed to.  He was cute, I liked being with him but more than that, I didn’t know anyone else here in Kansas City, so I put up with way more than I should have.  The best thing to ever happen to me was cutting ties with him.

I stopped travelling for work.  I started making friends.  REAL friends.  The funny thing about having friends is, they have opinions and their opinions mattered more than I wanted to admit sometimes.  If I found a guy cute and they didn’t, I would wonder if I REALLY thought he was cute.   If I went out with a guy who was average by society standards, but made me laugh, made me happy, I felt I had to justify why I went out with him.  If one of my female friends even wrinkled their nose a little, or said, “eh, he’s ok” I would defend WHY I liked him.

As a woman, I was just as guilty.  If my friends would start dating someone and I didn’t find him attractive, I would do the same thing.  I would make a face, and then I would hear a reason why she was dating him.  I think it would be great if we could all just be happy for our friends and enjoy the journey.

As I have gotten older, I have learned the “perfect man” isn’t any one particular age, particular height, particular race.  The perfect man for me doesn’t have to be approved by any of my friends because they aren’t feeling what I’m feeling.  I have also learned he doesn’t have to match my past preferences.  He does have to match my present preferences, but those preferences are so different from before.  I’ve also learned to be strong for myself.  I don’t date just to date.  I tell the man goodbye when I see he isn’t the one for me.

Over the last few years, I have also learned attraction isn’t about perfection.  Attraction, true attraction, comes from the heart.  It doesn’t have to come with your friends approval of attraction because.  I find a smile sexy.  I find eyes that look at me like I am the most important person to them a turn on.  I find the fact I WANT to be around them longer than an hour or two heart melting.

I have also learned to value myself.  I learned not to wait with the hope something will get better.  If it starts out poorly, it isn’t going to get better.  Some men have the ability to spin words until you start feeling like you are the crazy one.  Don’t fall for it.  You know it will be the same words tomorrow from him.  If he gives you a list of things to change about yourself, start with the most important one, changing the status of your relationship.

Love is happiness.  Love yourself first.  If love doesn’t happen for you today or tomorrow, it’s ok.  Embrace who you are today.  If you are in a relationship and you feel devalued, re-evaluate the relationship.  Life is too short.

Most of all, don’t let anyone mess up your “steady” moments with a nose wrinkle or an unkind word.  Follow your heart, YOUR heart, and when you meet the one who steals your heart, you will find him the most handsome man you have ever met, and you won’t even WANT to justify why because it’ll be obvious; obvious to you, to him, and to the world.

Love love.