Category Archives: Relationships

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You can’t Rape the Willing, or can you? Does Society Tell Men it is OK to Rape when she says no?-HaliPawz

***WARNING, EXPLICIT LANGUAGE***

Sometimes it is not easy to sit down and write about touchy subjects.  This one has been rolling around in my head for a few days and I feel it is important to get the message out.

Society has double standards, everyone knows it, they have chosen to accept it or ignore it.  Sometimes those double standards are also opposite messages.  Society teaches women one thing and men another.  The problem is, who gets hurt when those messages tend to clash so drastically?

I want to share a scenario that has happened all too often in our society.

Jean and Sam go out on a first date.  They both had an ok time at dinner, Jean still isn’t too sure how she feels about him.  As Sam brings her home, he convinces her to let him come in so they can talk a little more and “get to know each other better.”  Jean has been single for a while and in the dating world, she knows what that means to some men.  Sam isn’t taking no for an answer, he convinces her he’ll only be there a few minutes.  He’s a good guy, she needs to give him a chance.

Jean agrees.  As they are sitting on the couch talking, Jean realizes he isn’t a bad guy, she just knows he isn’t the one for her.  As she starts to hint it is time to go, Sam leans over and starts kissing her.  He kisses GREAT.  Jean knows she shouldn’t, but she returns his kisses.  It has been a while since she has been kissed like that.  Maybe there is hope after all.

Sam’s hands start traveling up her shirt.  She pushes them away.  She likes his kisses, but that’s it.  She isn’t going any further with him.  She tells him no.  He starts kissing her neck, her ear.  She likes it, she’s human.  She loves the feel of his lips.  His hands start to undo her pants.  She tells him no again and suggests it is time for him to leave.  As she stands up, he follows her.  He starts kissing her again, this time a little more forcefully.  He takes her hand and places it against his pants…”Come on baby, don’t do this to me” he whispers to her.  She pushes her hand away and says it’s time for him to go.

He doesn’t go.  He starts getting a little rougher, kisses her deeper, by this time he has his penis out of his pants without her even realizing it and wraps her fingers around it with his hand.  He tells her she “can’t get him hard and then just leave him like that” but his tone isn’t as nice as it was when they started.  She says no and pulls her hand away.  He grabs her hand and starts walking down the hallway.  “I know you are a good girl, you have to say no.  Let me help you be bad” His grip on her hand is firm.  “Where is your room?” he asks.  She numbly answers.

Sam doesn’t even realize his kisses are not longer being returned.  Jean is no longer a participant and he doesn’t even care.

They have sex.  Sam gets up, gets dressed, and leaves, making sure to drop a quick kiss on Jean’s lips as he walks out the door, “Thanks babe, talk later” and he’s gone.

Jean knows she won’t hear from him again.  She locks the door, crawls back into bed, trying to figure out what happened.  As she closes her eyes, a single tear slides down her cheek.

No, this isn’t an except from a book.  It is a situation a lot of single women between the ages of 25-45 face, sometimes more than once.  They didn’t want sex but they learn sometimes it is easier to just let it happen than it is to fight him off.  They think to themselves, he’s not the first guy I’ve slept with, he won’t be the last.  Just let him get it over with so he’ll leave.  This is not a “woe is women” or a “let’s bash men” blog, it is about opening our eyes to some of the problems we face in our society.

She will clearly blame herself for letting it happen because, often, we are taught it is the woman’s fault if something goes wrong in the relationship so in this case, she will think she did something to make him think it was ok to sleep with her.

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First, let’s put it out there, Men like sex, women like sex.  The whole myth about men liking it more is ridiculous.

Society teaches women…..”Good Girls Say No” “Bad Girls say yes”

Society teaches men……”Good girls say no because they have to, but they really want it”

Do you see a problem with the teaching????  It leads to MAJOR PROBLEMS.

Growing up in the Law & Order, Law & Order SVU era, we learned rape happens, we learn it can happen by people we know.  What we don’t learn is, Rape isn’t always obvious.  In every episode, the woman (or man) KNOWS they were raped or they were drugged and don’t know a thing.

In this scenario, was Jean raped?  She said no.  She NEVER said yes.  Did she lead him to her room?  Yes, but it wasn’t because she wanted sex with him.  It is because she had been down this road before and knew he wasn’t going to leave until he had sex with her.  At some point, it’s easier to go numbly along than to put up so much of a fight that it feels too much like rape to forget.  But you still don’t forget.  It stays in your memory.

As I talked to women I know about this subject, they sadly recalled a time (or two) it happened to them.  They remember the details like it was yesterday.  They didn’t want sex with the man.  It wasn’t about being a “good girl” it was about the fact HE wasn’t someone they wanted sex with.

Over time, as women who date, as women who do enjoy sex WITH THE RIGHT PERSON, we learn to accept the fact sometimes men are going to get sex if they want it.  They begin to believe they agreed to it.  They chalk it up to a bad decision.  The convince themselves THEY wanted it.  Why?  Because they feel like they contributed to it.  Maybe they shouldn’t have kissed him back.  Why did they show them where the bedroom is? Why did they let him come inside in the first place? Women are taught to accept the blame, because we “know how men can be.”

For some women, they choose they men poorly and it continues to happen.  Perhaps it is a self-esteem issue, perhaps they were raised in the belief you give the man what he wants if you want to keep him, who knows.  I can see how it could easily lead to a different path, like prostitution.  She begins to feel like, hey, if men are going to keep having sex with me when I don’t want it, I might as well get paid for it.  I’m not saying it happens all the time, I am saying it can be understood HOW one might leap from one to the other.

How do we change this?  Honestly, I don’t know if we really can, but it starts with society changing their views…..

For women:  GOOD GIRLS can enjoy sex without feeling guilty about it.  Having consensual sex does not change who you are as a person.

A woman is not a slut if she has sex on the first date.  If they both want to have sex, GREAT.  Now, that doesn’t mean it is advised if you are looking for something long-term and meaningful, but that is for another blog.

Just because you invite him in doesn’t give him the right to expect sex.

Just because you make out with him doesn’t give him the right to expect sex.

Make sure your NO means no, and when you want to say yes, just say yes….don’t feel bad about it

For Men:  Women enjoy sex as much as you, doesn’t mean every woman wants to sleep with you.

No means no, it does NOT mean she is only saying no to put on an appearance of being a good girl.

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Buying her dinner does not give you the right to expect sex

Being invited in to her home does not automatically mean she wants sex, maybe she does sometimes, maybe she doesn’t.

Just because she kisses you doesn’t give you the right to expect it will lead to sex.

I don’t want anyone to think I am making light of rape.  Rape is a heinous crime and happens more often than we even know.

The only way we can stop some of this from happening is to start talking about it. Having open discussions between men and women.  Getting past the negative views society puts on women for enjoying sex so they can talk more openly about the time sex happened they DID NOT want.

It starts with non-judgment and honesty.

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Gay? Shrimp? Why some view one is worse than the other. Christians Judging Christians

Religion, Gay, Christianity
Gay, Lesbian, Church, Religion

Pastor and his husband at a Church in Cincinnati

This picture had been floating around the internet with commentary as an example of how horrible of a direction the Christian Church was going.  I read the comments. I saw some of the hate spewing from “Christian” men and women.  It made me wonder how much attention they paid to the sermons being preached, to the words they were reading in the Bible, or how little respect they had for others in general.

Let me start out by stating some facts about myself.

I consider myself a Christian.  I don’t identify with any one particular denomination.  I respect other religions.  I have an understanding of the facts; different religions may word things differently, but in the end, they may have similar beliefs. I never understood how a Christian could have a problem with Native American’s faith, saying it isn’t right because they pray to different Gods.  News Flash silly Christian, to someone new to Christianity, they believe we pray to different Gods (Father, Son, Holy Ghost, Jesus, Yahweh, etc.)  Can you see how that could be confusing to someone not familiar with Christianity in general?

I am ok with different sexual orientations.  I don’t care if someone is homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual.  Your sexual orientation does not define you, just as mine does not define me.  If your sexual orientation is the only thing you have in your life to define you as a person, you have a problem and may need some professional help, but it can’t be solved by others hating you.

I’m pretty open minded and try to be respectful of everyone.  I try to look at things from different perspectives.  I’m not perfect.  I know I’m not.  I don’t think anyone is perfect.

With that out of the way, I have a major problem with anyone who identifies themselves as a Christian then proceed to openly (or secretly) bash those who are openly gay or lesbians.  Some can get so downright nasty, you would think they were talking about a felonious person!  I have heard some “Christians” put gay men in the same category as pedophiles.  Are you kidding me?  How dare you?

Let’s start with the basics taught in all Sunday School Classes.  Judge Not Lest ye be Judged Let’s look further at this.

1“Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 2“For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. 3“Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4“Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? 5“You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.   Matthew 7:1-5 NASB

No where in the Bible does it say, Hey , it’s OK to judge on the things YOU think are wrong, this only applies to some situations.

I want to break this down even further.  Let’s take the perspective being gay is a sin.  (I do NOT believe it is a sin, I am saying it for the sake of this post)  If it IS a sin, it still does not make sense for Christians to take such a harsh stand or to make such negative comments towards those who identify themselves as gay or lesbians.  Let’s see what the Bible has to say about this attitude.

 8If, however, you are fulfilling the royal law according to the Scripture, “YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF,” you are doing well. 9But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors. 10For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles in one point, he has become guilty of all. 11For He who said, “DO NOT COMMIT ADULTERY,” also said, “DO NOT COMMIT MURDER.” Now if you do not commit adultery, but do commit murder, you have become a transgressor of the law. 12So speak and so act as those who are to be judged by the law of liberty. 13For judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment. James 2:8-13 NASB

OK, let’s break this down a little more.  “if you show partiality” This means you don’t get to like one person more than another just because they fit your ideal mold of a person better.  “…yet stumbles in one point” NO ONE can say they haven’t stumbled and sinned at one point or another.

Sin is sin. Speeding is breaking the law, therefore, you have sinned. It’s as simple as that. You took an ink pen from the office, so you STOLE from them, therefore, you have sinned. Do you see my point? It is that simple. We sin. Now, back to my point; if YOU believe being gay is a sin, then it’s a sin. SO WHAT! Get over yourself. You sin, they sin, everyone is guilty of a sin. Let’s try a little respect and love for those you believe are sinning instead of hate and gossip. It might get you further.

Last, only because it drives home my point and I want to have a little fun with this post as well, for the Christians who still want to keep going about how horrible being gay is, you need to consider the alternative. Even with your Gay is sin thought, it’s just sin. It isn’t an abomination. Do you KNOW what is???

10 But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you, 11 and they shall be [a]abhorrent to you; you may not eat of their flesh, and their carcasses you shall detest. 12 Whatever in the water does not have fins and scales is [b]abhorrent to you. Leviticus 11:10-12 NASB

Yes, the next time you want to dig into some shrimp or lobster, remember the King James Version says it is an ABOMINATION UNTO YOU. I don’t know about you, but I’m more comfortable with a sin than an abomination!

I know, I know, you’re going to want to justify it, explain it, explain why it is OK to eat shrimp because you love shrimp and you don’t want to lose it, IT IS TIME TO stop justifying the things you love and accept and casting stones on the things and people you don’t.

If you like this and want to stay up to date with my posts, follow me on Twitter @HaliPawz  or Like me on Facebook.com/HaliPawz 

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Microwave Dating

We live in a world of instant gratification. No one wants to put in the work to see WHERE a relationship can go, let alone put in the work to make it last.

I refer to dating today as microwave dating.

Think about how an oven cooks.  It cooks very slowly from the outside in.  The heat slowly seeps into the meat, allowing the flavors to simmer in the heat.

A microwave cooks differently.  A microwave causes the water molecules in the food to agitate at atomic levels, generating heat, which in turn cooks the food.  The radio waves affect the food as a whole, not from the outside in, so everything heats up quickly.  Microwave food is quick, it’s easy.  Think about heating up something that has multiple ingredients in it.  For example, heating up a piece of pie.  Because the liquid pie filling heats up quicker than the denser, flaky crust, you have to be careful biting into it.  The crust may be a perfect temperature, but the filling could be so hot it burns your mouth.

Relationships can be compared to ovens and microwaves.

The simmer is similar to getting to know each other.  When you think about putting a roast in the over, think about how the meat looks as you are preparing it.  It is a thick chunk of meat.  It is red and unappealing.  It is compact.  As you allow the roast to simmer on a low heat, the thickness begins to break down.  The meat begins to separate slightly, allowing all of the flavors and juices to fall down into the meat, flavoring it throughout, not just on the outside surface.  Getting to know someone can be viewed the same way.  When you first meet someone, they give you the person they want you to meet.  Sometimes they have walls up, making it difficult to get to know the true person.  As those walls break down, their true personality comes out.  Like a roast, if you have a great cut of meat, the flavors and the end result is comforting, appealing, enjoyable.  When it is a bad cut of meat, it is hard, unappetizing.  People are the same way.  Taking the time to get to know someone, you learn if they are a great person or not.  You learn if you want them around you for long periods of time.  When they aren’t the right person for you, it isn’t enjoyable to be near them.  It doesn’t mean the person is bad, just perhaps bad for you.  Sometimes the same ingredients yield different results, depending on how you heat them.  Take a French Bread Pizza for example.  Taken out of the freezer, preparing one in the microwave and one in the oven.  Both are edible.  Same ingredients.  The one out of the over will always taste just a little bit better.

When you jump into a relationship, believing they are your soul mate after one date, discussing the future before you even spend one minute with them puts you into the microwave dating world.  It may be hot and sizzling quickly but it doesn’t have the true flavor that comes from allowing it to simmer.  Sometimes it heats up so quickly that it overheats and explodes causing you to have to throw it away and leaving you with a mess to clean up.

Don’t get me wrong, microwaves are great.  They serve their purpose.  When you need something quick and filling, you throw it in the microwave, pull it out, eat, and move on.  Think about all of your greatest “meal” moments.  Was that meal prepared in the oven or the microwave?  There is a reason you don’t prepare Thanksgiving dinner in a microwave.  “Slow roasted has more appeal than “cooked quickly in a microwave” A home cooked meal is still synonymous with being prepared slowly in an oven or on a stovetop.

The next time you’re ready to  enter into a relationship, think about what you want.  Do you want a slow, simmered, tasty one or a quick, explosive one?

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I’m OK as “Another Woman” but not as “The Other Woman”

No matter how you look at it, double standards exist in our society still. It is considered socially acceptable for a man to date multiple women, sleep with multiple women, but when a woman dates more than one man, sleeps with more than one man, she is considered “easy” or a “slut”. Apparently no one has done the math. If the man is sleeping with multiple women, those women have to come from somewhere! I hate the double standards but have come to understand ignore the double standards and live my life for myself when it comes to relationships.

I am ok dating someone who is dating other women. Until we choose to use the word monogamy, I have no expectations from him. It also means I don’t guarantee he is the only man I’m dating. I don’t date like that today, mostly due to time, but I’m also ok dating someone when he tells me he’s dating others. Is it ideal? Not always. Is it reality? Sadly, yes. I would just like to know upfront. No surprises. No cheating.

This takes me to the real reason for the post. Women (and men) have to learn there is a difference between being “Another Woman” and being “The Other Woman”. They must determine what they are comfortable with.

I will NEVER advocate being “The Other Woman” and encourage women to stay away from the men that set those expectations. This is a clear example of a man willing to cheat. If he’s comfortable cheating, he’s comfortable lying. If he is lying to his current wife, girlfriend, significant other then he will be completely comfortable lying to you. I know you want to believe he wouldn’t fall into that behavior with you….he’s so honest with you up front, he would never lie. Do not fall for it! He will. If he’s comfortable living in a constant state of deceit, he will not think twice about lying to you eventually, if not right away.

Being “Another Woman” is different. Perhaps he isn’t ready for commitment but enjoys dining out, attending local events. He isn’t ready to be with just one woman. He’s open and honest about it. He tells the woman up front. She is ok with it and accepting of it. Perhaps she is dating other men. Perhaps she doesn’t have the time to devote to a full relationship but enjoys the companionship of a man from time to time. It doesn’t make either party a bad person. It just means they want to be open and honest up front. The relationship doesn’t always stay this way, sometimes it develops into a lasting, monogamous relationship. Sometimes feelings develop for one person but not the other, so the two decide to part ways. There is no right or wrong answer to how this type of relationship works, as long as both parties are happy.

It is a mistake when one goes into the open relationship, not because they want an open relationship, but because they feel it is the only way they can be with the person. This will only lead to hurt and lack of trust. There is a false understanding of the relationship. If you can not accept the fact that the man you are dating may be dating other women, DO NOT say you are ok with an open relationship.

The tricky part is when the guy sends you mixed signals. If he says he’s in an open relationship but refers to another woman as his girlfriend but doesn’t say the same about you….the “openness” isn’t truly open. You are the “Other” woman. If he keeps your activities private but blasts all his time with her on social media, it is not an open relationship. Men can be smooth. He may give you a good reason. Perhaps he’ll say “she knows I date others but I don’t throw it in her face” or “I was dating her before you so she gets the label” Ladies, when you hear things like this, YOU are the OTHER woman. If he isn’t willing to give you the same level of respect he gives her (or anyone), I recommend you reconsider the relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, it should not be FLAUNTED when you are dating someone in an open situation. Be respectful, don’t post pictures of the two of you hugging / kissing on social media. If you wouldn’t want to see the same pictures of him with another woman, don’t post them of the two of you. Wait until you decide to make it a monogamous relationship (or a polyamorous relationship). Do not call him your boyfriend, significant other, etc. He’s not. He’s not willing to give you a commitment so you don’t give him a title.

Another concern would be the number of women he’s dating. If you don’t want to know, DO NOT ASK! It is that simple. If you are ok with him dating one or two others for a short time and find out he’s dating six, you might want to reconsider getting involved with him. The more women he’s dating / the more men you’re dating, the more your time and attention will be divided. Is it going to be enough time for you?

If you decide you want it to be more but one (or both) of you are not ready for monogamy, discuss polyamory. Be prepared your friends / family may not be acceptable of a polyamorous relationship.

Relationships take work and compromise. The most important thing to remember is the compromise you make should NEVER emotionally hurt you. If he wants an open relationship and you don’t, walk away. If you want a polyamorous relationship and he doesn’t, walk away if you’re not willing to be monogamous. Nothing has to be decided in a day, relationships & emotions do not happen overnight.

Be true to yourself. Know what you’re ok with and what you aren’t. Comprise when needed, don’t compromise when it is going to hurt you.

No matter what, avoid being the “Other” woman. Lies need to stay out of the relationship. It is the only way to build a solid foundation of communication and trust….the key to ANY relationship in our lives.