Do you want the icing or the cake? -HaliPawz

Sometimes it is important to take the time to make sure all of the ingredients are correct in the relationship before you add the “icing” to the cake. Remember, if you don’t put the correct ingredients in or cook for the right amount of time, the cake isn’t worth eating.  Once it’s done, it has to cool before adding the icing or it doesn’t stick to the cake.

Take your time and your cake will be amazing.

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Invest in a relationship you’re proud to discuss – HaliPawz

Relationships, son, daughter, tree, cloud, water

Invest in a relationship you’re proud to share

All too often, it’s easy to stay in bad relationships.  Who knows why we stay in them.  Convenience.  Fear of being alone.  The question is, would you really want a loved one to have a relationship like you have?  If the answer is no, it might be time to look into getting out of it.

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Reluctant to stay, ready to go, why we are our own worst enemies when it comes to dating – HaliPawz

dogs, flowers, relationships

I believe, as we get older, dating becomes a chore, not something we cherish.  I’m 40 and HATE dating now.  When I was younger, I was quick to go on a date or even, yes, gasp, do the “hook up” with someone.  The thrill of getting to know him, the thrill of the anticipation, it was all so much fun.  I might have even been a serial dater over the years, if you want to get right down to it.  It doesn’t mean I didn’t want the relationship, I did, often it would just be with the wrong guy.  Those stories will have to come another day though, trust me, some of them are pretty funny.  The thing I find interesting now is how quick people are to just walk away when the person doesn’t seem “perfect” but they can’t seem to understand perfect doesn’t exist because we are humans, we evolve over time, our thinking changes, our priorities change.  My “perfect man” in my twenties is no where near who I would consider my “perfect man” now that I am 40.  It’s ok!  Could you imagine if we never changed?  If our thoughts and ideas stayed the same every year.  I know I would be a little scared.  The thing is, today, it seems like everyone is reluctant to stay in a relationship, they are ready to go out the door, and that is why I say we are our own worst enemies when it comes to dating.

Young love, as in the two people are young, is simple.  We aren’t hung up on all the BS we seem to get hung up on as we get earlier.  The fighting is because one didn’t call the other enough or they fight over who loves who more, ahhhh to be that simple again.

Young love, as in the relationship is new, when you’re older takes a whole new meaning.  We have to juggle our friends, will they like him or not, because, let’s face it, they have been around a lot longer than he has, so they aren’t going anywhere.  Not once do we think, hey, they are as old as me, they are single still, is their opinion of him out of love and concern for us or out of jealousy and spite because you met someone and she didn’t?  Yes, it does happen.  We worry about our family liking him.  I know my family is used to my “flavor of the week” from my past, so when they are introduced to a new guy, they don’t really give him much thought right away.  Their typical comment is, if you like him, we’ll be nice to him.  I love my family for thinking like that, but it also makes me laugh.  I haven’t done the “flavor of the week” in over 12 years, but they still think of me like that, so I let them.  Honestly, living so far away makes it easier.  I try not to talk about any new guy and don’t bring them home to meet them unless something big is going on and I really like him.  We have to juggle our work, social life, family, and new relationship.  It isn’t as easy when you’re older.  You like doing things with your friends or family, so dropping everything to go out with your new guy, especially if you aren’t 100% sure about him, isn’t as enticing to you.  When you’re young (in age) you’ll drop everything to go hang out with him.  Then there is HIS mentality as well.  If he’s been single for a while too, it’s even worse.  He doesn’t understand why you want him to forgo hanging out with the guys to spend time with you.  Yes, it’s a little hypocritical, because you don’t want to do it either, but we won’t talk about that!   How do two people every get together over the age of 35?  Add young children, which I don’t have to worry about, into the mix and it gets even tougher I’m sure.  Maybe not though, maybe those with children are used to changing their plans on the spur of the moment.  Maybe it’s just us single people with no kids who get so set in our ways.

I have watched a show on A&E called Married At First Sight.  If you haven’t seen it, I want to give you a little snapshot of the premise.  Four experts, a psychologist; Dr. Joseph Cilona, who, for the record is a very attractive man, I think A&E should feature him even more, or just do a show where he does the majority of the talking.  I don’t know why, but I love listening and watching him talk.  No wonder he’s so successful, his patient’s would keep coming back to listen to his hypnotizing voice!  But I digress, back to the show.  The other three experts; relationship expert and professor of sociology, Dr. Pepper Schwartz, relationship expert and sexologist, Dr. Logan Levkoff, and religious adviser, Greg Epstein.  These four go through a crazy amount of applicants looking for love and choose six people to participate in the show.  They pair them up and the three couples have to get legally married to each other without knowing a single thing about their new spouse.  They don’t know their name, their likes, their dislikes, any of the information us single people try to get to know before we are even willing to set up a date!  Now, one thing I will say is, it doesn’t appear like the experts match them up for television drama like so many reality television shows do.  It appears like they give it a lot of thought and truly want the three couples to make the marriage a success.  In the first season, the couples met again at the end of 30 days to say whether they want to stay married or get a divorce.  It appears the experts learned from a few mistakes and now, the couple gets married, goes on a honeymoon, then comes back and has to live together for four weeks, so in total, it is about six weeks they are together and then meet to say whether they want to stay married or get a divorce.  In the second season, the experts also plan time to meet with the couples throughout the time frame, so they aren’t just left alone navigating the marriage waters.  GREAT CHANGES in my opinion.  It makes sense they want the marriages to be successful.  Imagine what it would do to the dating world?  What they, as experts in the relationship field, could learn from the social experiment and use in their individual practices could be priceless.  In the first season, two couples stayed married and went on to continue filming their first year together.  One couple chose to divorce.  The second season is still airing, so we don’t know yet who will make it and who won’t, if any.  I’ll be sure to post an update when it finishes!

One of the things I noticed while watching the show is, all of them go through a rough patch at one point or another, and ALL of them say (paraphrasing)

If we hadn’t been married, I would have been gone by now.  If we had only been dating, it would have been a red flag and I wouldn’t have stayed with him/her.

In less than three weeks, each of them found something in their spouse who, had they not signed up and COMMITTED to sticking in out because they were married AND because they signed a contract to do the show, they would have left.  Every one of them, so far, with the exception of one, have been able to get help with COMMUNICATION and were able to sit down to discuss the situation and work it out.  It doesn’t mean we didn’t see some anger, passion, fighting, and disagreements come out of some of the couples, but, for the most part, AFTER they were able to calm down and actually TALK about their emotions and feelings, they grew from it.  It is just an example of how “knee jerk” we have become as a society.  If we don’t like something, we just walk away.  It’s like we don’t want to give anything a chance.

Another thing I found interesting about the experiment(s) is that, in each season, at least one person did not find their new spouse attractive.  Don’t get me wrong, not a single person featured on the show would be what society would consider unattractive.  You never see shows like this with people who are over weight, in their forties, etc.  I’ll never be chosen for a reality show about relationships!  I don’t think I’m ugly, that isn’t what I’m saying.  I’m just saying, I would not be the society pretty reality shows pick for love and romance.  We are left to figure it out on our own.  Again, sidetracked….back to my point.  Both seasons, one of the females did not find her new spouse attractive.  To the point they wanted to run away.  They didn’t think it would ever work.  He didn’t give her butterflies when she saw him.  Within two weeks, both of them were changing their opinion.  Not only did they no longer want to run, but they talked about how attractive they actually found him.  I do think we can sometimes get hung up on looks too much.  Yes, there has to be an attraction, don’t get me wrong….but is the attraction all physical or does there have to be a mental attraction as well?  I know I personally have changed over the years as to what I find attractive.  It doesn’t mean I’m lowering my standards it just means I can appreciate a man’s smile, or his eyes, and find something like that which makes him so attractive in my eyes.  I always say, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but it starts with a mirror”

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Sometimes we let society, our friends, and family interfere with our relationships and affect the way we see someone else.  In the past, I wrote about loving for love and yourself, no one else and it is so true.  In the case of these couples, their spouses personality shone through and made them attractive to the other person.  Had they not been doing the show, they would have never met, never taken the time to learn about each other, and see how attracted they really were to this guy they called ugly.

Relationships are not easy.  Not the lasting ones anyway.  They take work.  Today would have been my parent’s 60th wedding anniversary.  My dad passed away in 2013.  He had suffered from Alzheimer’s for ten years before he passed.  Their marriage wasn’t perfect.  It had it’s ups and downs.  I remember listening to my share of arguments between the two of them.  Sometimes the storms were rough, but after they made it through them, they came out stronger.  That is something I learned from them.  Getting through the rough spots doesn’t just get you to the other side, it makes you STRONGER as an individual.  My mom had the strength to make it through some really difficult times with a man who could be, at times, a grumpy man, and went on to care for him for five years of his Alzheimer’s keeping him at home until we, her children, stepped in to let her know he needed more care than she could physically give him.  He spent his remaining five years in a nursing home, where she went almost every day to see him and feed him his lunch.  The only days she didn’t go was if she was out of town or the weather was just too bad for her to get out.  She stayed true to him and a wife to him to the very end.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should stay with someone JUST to stay with them.  I’m saying we, as a society, are quick to react instead of trying to communicate and fix.  I know everyone says they have a list of reasons why they would leave and every thing else is things they would try to work through, but is that really true?  Think about reasons why you have left some of your past long term relationships…..was it because of something on your “hard” list or was it really due to poor communication?

Clearly I am not a relationship expert, I am single right now, so I won’t profess to have all of the answers.  Sometimes I am guilty of seeing the red flags and making some up if there isn’t really any evident ones.  I get not everything is solved with communication if both parties are not committed.  This isn’t about people who meet to decide if there is a connection, it is about couples who are ready to SAY they are a couple and be in a committed relationship…..don’t run the minute things make you want to run.  Stop.  Calm down so your brain is doing the communication, not your emotions.  Then COMMUNICATE about what happened about what upset you.  It’s amazing how much better communication goes when it’s done in a calm, honest manner, not an emotional, hurtful manner.

In the end, we all have to remember humans are just that; human.  We are individuals trying to make it work with another individual.  It’s not easy.  It’s not always fun.  The thing to remember is, it is worth it!

If you like this and want to stay up to date with my posts, follow me on Twitter @HaliPawz  or Like me on Facebook.com/HaliPawz 

Relationship Happiness; Someone else’s fairy tales – HaliPawz

Little girls love reading fairy tales.  They love the ending where the prince whisks the princess away and they live happily ever after.  The End.

Growing up, I was not one of those girls.  I didn’t believe in them.  My analytical brain would break them down, point out the flaws, and chalk them up to ridiculousness.  My mom tells me I never cared for them; even before I was reading.  I don’t really remember because I was reading chapter books by kindergarten. Reading has always been something I loved to do, just not fairy tales.  I remember reading a huge book of stories my mom had from when she was a child. I loved it. It was filled with great stories about children, animals, etc.  I could accept talking animals but not fairy tales.  It probably explains all my issues today!

Science is something else I am comfortable with.  Science made sense. “If this, then that” mentality works for me.  It helped me for so many years in the optical industry. I could hear a problem and work through it to find a solution for the patient.  It was one of the reasons I was great at optics.  I believe my love for science and my dislike for fairy tales is the reason I never jumped on the “sci-fi” bandwagon.

As an adult, I still shied away from believing in “Happy Ever After.”  I learned through years of hurt, disappointments, and relationship failures I was better off helping others than thinking I would find happiness. I accepted the path.  I’m ok with it.  I’m happy with who I am.  This is not a “woe is me” blog. The ironic thing is, I am GREAT at helping others with relationships.  I always point out to my friends and acquaintances who come to me, “you know I suck at my own relationships, are you sure you want to ask me?” They still ask, I still answer, and, I’m almost always right.  I hate when it’s bad news I’m delivering to them because I WANT to be wrong, but I know I’m not. I remember one time, I discussed the direction a friend’s relationship was going to take almost step by step.  She thought I was crazy. I broke it down to days…”within 2-3 days, he’s going to do this or say that”…and I was correct every step I said,+/- a day or two.  Those odds are great when it’s good news and a happy relationship, not so good when I’m delivering bad news.

Please understand, I WANT my friends and family to have happy, healthy relationships. Just because I know it’s not meant for me doesn’t mean I don’t want it for others.  I love solving problems, I love making others happy. I will spend two hours on the internet scouring website after website looking for the perfect gift for someone I care about. I do it, not so they acknowledge how great the gift is, but because I would be so appreciative if someone did it for me.  To let someone know you cared enough to spend time THINKING about them, knowing enough about them, and then finding something they might not have even realized existed, is the best feeling.  I may come across to some as cold-hearted, one close friend even refers to me as “The Cold Hearted Assassin” but I honestly love making people laugh, smile, or just happy.  It makes me happy.

In my twenties, I was recovering from a difficult divorce which left me with huge trust issues.  The day I signed my divorce papers I learned so many things about my ex-husband; I didn’t even know who he was. I could not believe I shared a home and a life with a man I didn’t even know.  He had repeatedly lied to me and I was clueless.  Was I really so naïve? I learned to just date.  Honestly, dating for me was almost like alcohol to an alcoholic.  It was always “one more” and I didn’t care.  I was on a path filled with hurt but I wasn’t willing to venture off the path because every time I did, it was met with someone else lying to me.

I started working at Sam’s Club in 2001 and switched focuses.  I was obsessed with moving up the company ladder.  I didn’t give up dating but it did slow down.  I even met someone I liked.  Thought there was a possibility of a real future.  I accepted a promotion which, sadly, would take me away from my family, but I accepted because he was going to move with me, except he didn’t.  It was one excuse after another, but bottom line, I didn’t care about the excuses, I just knew I was alone in a city I knew no one, and it was rough.  My Happily Ever After thwarted again.

I knew I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes though.  I wasn’t going to have a flavor of the week.  I was too busy, for one, and I wanted a more meaningful, deeper connection.  Sadly, I learned, Kansas City is NOT the city to be single in.  The number of men I met who would lie to your face, put you at the bottom of their priorities, or would just want to sleep with you but not date was astounding! Don’t get me wrong, I’d have relationships here and there, but they always ended, usually badly.

I started to see a pattern. Patterns are good for me.  My analytical brain loves to break down patterns, determine where the hiccup was, and try to establish a new pattern.  Some of the patterns became funny to me.  For example, there were a couple of guys who lingered and I don’t know why.  I didn’t leave the door open, I would say we were through, but it was almost like they had a sensor and whenever I had met someone and thought, hey, this might work, I would get a text or call from them.  I would honestly just chuckle about it. They NEVER seemed to understand, even when I would tell them I’m dating someone and I’m happy.  They would disappear and resurface months later. One in particular, I could almost use a text from him as a confirmation I had met someone new.   Maybe he secretly has my phone tapped.  Who knows? It is funny to me.

I say all this because I understand patterns. I would meet men who were unavailable and have some of the best friendships with them.  Perhaps it was because they were unavailable, I let my walls down and let them get to know the real me.  The hard part is, sometimes they would fall for me.  They loved my personality, they loved my passion for life.  I began to believe I was cursed.  Men I couldn’t have loved me, but I couldn’t find a man I could love.

I gave up.  I accepted the fact I was here to help.  I was here to love, but only as someone who loves others, not to be in love.  I was here to write about my pain, my problems, so others would know it isn’t always Happily Ever After and its ok! You can STILL be HAPPY.  Don’t let a relationship status define your happiness.

The irony of this whole blog is the timing.  I started this weeks ago after discussing with a friend my happiness and happy ever after philosophies.  But I just couldn’t finish it.  I got as far as the first two paragraphs and would stop and rewrite.

Then I did something I never do.  I prayed. As a Christian, I believe in God, or a higher spirit, I just don’t really believe in organized religion.  When I pray, I don’t ask for anything for myself unless it’s wisdom or guidance. I may pray for the right words for someone.  I just don’t pray for things to make myself happy.  This time I did. I figured, it can’t hurt.  Within two days, I met someone.  I felt drawn to him, to help him. Conversations escalated quickly and I knew I could help him but I was disappointed.  Here was someone falling for me but I wasn’t falling for him. Ok God, message heard loud and clear.  I’m only here to help.  To fix problems.  I was disappointed but it was ok.

God has a sense of humor, I honestly believe He does.  I think he toys with those of us he knows can handle it just to break up the drudgery of dealing with those who always need Him.  The Bible says we are created in the likeness of Him, well look at brother / sister dynamics.  Look at close cousins.   The teasing / picking on each other has to come from somewhere.

God loves to mess with me, I’m convinced.  A couple of days after meeting the one I felt needed help, I met the most amazing man.  He was the type you say, dang, I’d marry him tomorrow if he asked me, knowing deep down, he wouldn’t, because stuff like that only happens in fairy tales and Hallmark movies.  My point is, it crossed my mind.  I laughed it off.  Silly girl thoughts.

Only I couldn’t ignore it like I had before.  I couldn’t just blow it off. I am careful about emotions. I don’t like them, except happiness.  I don’t trust love because I bomb at love.  I hate being hurt because it makes me feel weak and a little sad because I end up running when I’m hurt.  I hate being sad because no one ever wants to be sad.  So happiness is the only emotion I try to allow myself.

Back to patterns and God’s sense of humor.  I have really liked a lot of people, but to say I have loved a lot? No.  I don’t like love.  I don’t trust it.  Anytime I think it could be a possibility, I reassess it or, in almost every case, the minute I EVEN think it, or mention it to someone, within 48 hours, something happens and it explodes.  Trust me, it’s not me sabotaging it, sometimes I don’t even do or say anything to the person and something happens.  I just chalk it up to God getting the person out of my life for me.

With everything I have shared, it may come as a surprise to you, and to me, when something happened just recently, something so sweet and touching, my heart melted and did a flip-flop.  Wait, what? No. Feelings don’t happen that fast for me.  Ugh! I wasn’t ready for it.

I know, this is where you are saying, Aww …yay! Happily Ever After DID happen for her!

I was processing everything and made a phone call to someone who knows me all too well.  My exact words to her were, “I don’t do love” to which she laughed at me then listened to my story.  After I finished, I said, it doesn’t matter now, because it will explode within 48 hours because I acknowledged feelings. She made me assure her I wouldn’t sabotage anything and just see what happened. I promised her.  I knew it wouldn’t matter.  I am not meant for relationship happiness.  I have accepted it long ago, the only difference this time is I wasn’t looking for it.  I had pretty much given up, so I hadn’t prepared myself.

So what happened you wonder? Sadly, the 48 hours passed.  The explosion occurred. It’s ok.  Does it make me sad? Yes, a little, because it affects one of my deepest desires.  Does it hurt? Yes, of course.  I think the worst part is my ability to feel the shift in the other person’s feelings.  It has always been something I have been gifted with, but when it’s directed at me, it is more painful.

At the end of the day, I will survive.  I will do what I always do.  I will strive to be the best person I can be.  I will strive to do the best job I can do.  I will continue to write and share my life, my feelings, and my journey.

I will love.

The End

Why are all the good ones taken? – HaliPawz

Well, I finally met the man of my dreams, only to find out he already has a woman! Oh well, it happens sometimes! Oh, did I mention, he’s fictional?

Hot, Rich, and Fictional; Two out of three isn’t bad is it?

Life is interesting sometimes.  One minute you are living your life, fitting eyeglasses, talking to someone about contacts, the next minute you are looking up a comic book reference at 4:30am. Wait a minute….WHAT????

No, I am not losing my mind, at least not today, I hope. I’ll skip all the boring stuff and fast forward to today.  As a member of Randomocity, I realize I am clueless about life’s important things, you know, comic books, superheroes, Star Wars, etc. I sent Frank, aka Beefcake, aka my boss a text the other day confirming “May The Force Be With You” and “Light Sabers” are both, indeed, from Star Wars. Yes, I sent it.  Yes, I’m sure he just shook his head. More than once. I’m sure as he reads this, he will be.  I will be teased about it AGAIN.  It’s OK, I know they are just teasing me in fun and it is funny how clueless I am sometimes when it comes to comics.

I’m an intelligent woman by most standards; high IQ, well spoken.  I have a Think Geek account which I use.  I have always had a love of math and science.  All of that goes out the window because I don’t know my superheroes and villains!  I am now the silly blond chick around the guys.  I think they secretly wonder why they added me! They entertain the listeners, I entertain them with my lack of knowledge of the important [to them] stuff; it’s a win win!

As I was perusing social media, I came across an @UberFacts tweet that caught my attention.

IMG_2103

I recognized Marvel, I recognized DC Comics….who the heck is Black Panther? How is he the richest? Of course, I read the re-tweets and the replies and I see quite a few saying Bat Man / Bruce Wayne is.  Hmm, I love a good debate, even when I am not familiar about both parties involved!

IMG_2105

Thank you comicvine.com for the perfect picture to go with my story!

I decide to dig a little deeper about this debate.  If there is nothing I have not learned already, BEFORE I share something “Comic” related, I need to do my research or I will be teased mercilessly!  It’s borderline abuse I tell you! Ok, maybe not, but my investigative mind wants to know more.  I find an interesting article about the Black Panther character.  He owns his own country which has the world’s only deposit of the most precious metal: Vibranium. He’s rich. $500B rich.  Richer than Bruce Wayne, who, according to Forbes is only worth $9.2B (he went up $3B in one year).

This led me to my next question; why hasn’t Black Panther made the Forbes list if he’s worth more than all of the other ones listed?  You would think $500B would be enough to get noticed.

I’m sure there are a lot of explanations and I’m curios what my Randomocity counterparts will have to say about it, but since it is only 5:30am, I decided to share my story rather than wait for their answers.

Of course, the only question I REALLY should be asking myself is….why am I researching fictional character’s net worth at any time of the day and how do I meet the Black Panther because, well, he’s hot AND rich!

http://www.randomocitypodcast.com/#!Hot-Rich-and-Fictional-Two-out-of-three-isnt-bad-is-it/c1oqh/1C5CBAAD-1EED-4FAF-A97C-C30CF055DC3B