I am fascinated by drones and their technology – HaliPawz

I am fascinated by drones and their technology.  Technically, a drone is an Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAVs).  They come in various shapes, sizes, technology, and functions.  The original concept behind a drone was for them to do something unmanned that could potentially be too risky to do with a manned unit.  The drone can be controlled remotely or can fly autonomously through software-controlled flight plans in their embedded systems working in conjunction with GPS.  The military has been using them for years.  Some of them will amaze you on their size and capabilities.

Top Ten Military Drones

Drones aren’t just for military use though.  Back in 2013, Amazon introduced us to their concept of Amazon Prime Air where they would have drones deliver packages to customers within 30 minutes of purchase in some markets.  Their goal was to have this feature up and running by 2015.

Here is it, 2015, and Amazon was hit with a lot of concerns over the last couple of years.  U.S. Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) considers anything flying under 400 feet and in an operator’s line of sight to be a model airplane and you do not need a license to operate them. Since Amazon’s drones would not be within the line of site of an operator, FAA has been reluctant to allow this to move forward.  Other concerns Amazon faced were the drones getting caught in trees or poles, not being able to sense objects in their way quick enough, the drones being hacked into, and even theft of the package or the drone as it was in flight.

 These are all very valid concerns considering the drones would not be watched.  Another problem Amazon faces is the fact that, since FAA is so slow to make decisions regarding the drones, by the time anything is approved to move forward, the drone they had under consideration is already obsolete and the new one has to be considered.

Just recently, there were considerable new advancements regarding Amazon Prime Air.  The FAA granted Amazon an experimental certificate where they can conduct some tests and experiments with certain drones.  Is it a win for Amazon?  Not quite.  The certificate comes with a lot of rules attached.  The flights must be done during daylight hours, must stay under 400 feet, and has to remain in the line of sight of an operator.  What I find interesting about these rules is that it sounds like they are saying, hey, it’s ok to go ahead and operate a drone as a model airplane, which is not what Amazon wants.  But, that’s not all!  The FAA takes it one step further and has said the operator must possess a private pilot license and recent medical certification!  Amazon must also provide monthly updates to the FAA, breaking down the number of flights and any pertinent information regarding hardware or software failure.  Another policy, which I found to be very restricting, is that they drone is not allowed to fly over anyone who is not in control of it.  So not only do these LICENSED PILOTS have to stay within sight of the drone, be in complete control of the drone, they also have to make sure it doesn’t go over anyone’s head as it’s flying to its destination! It seems like a feature Amazon hoped to be able to offer to their customers just got extremely complicated. Amazon admits it is already offering drone delivery in some countries where the regulations are not so restricted.  It would seem to me the FAA would take some of those test studies into account, but it doesn’t appear that they are.

Amazon isn’t the only company experimenting with Drones for delivery.  Dominos tested drones in the London area to deliver pizzas with some great success.  The pizza’s arrived quickly and were still hot.

While I admire the technology of companies using them for delivery, I am even more fascinated with the advancing technology in drones available to the average person, well, based on the price, maybe not the average person, but still available for the private consumer.  The one I am currently in love with is the Airdog auto follow action sports drone.  This drone tracks you where you are.  You set the angle and height you want it to be and then take off doing whatever action you are doing and it stays with you!  It has built-in stabilizers to keep the video clear and crisp. All I can think about is the number of ways this technology could be used.  To be able to get a bird’s eye view of any activity or event you are doing would be pretty exciting.  Even a simple trail ride on horseback, you would be able to have a complete video from the day.  Here is a video of it in action.

Of course, the $1300 price tag is a little difficult to swallow!

A close second favorite of mine is the AscTec Firefly with Intel Real Sense Technology. Being safety conscience, I think I like it for its ability to avoid any obstacle, including humans.  German designed, it uses 6 Real Sense cameras to create a 360 degree view to provide autonomy and more safety.  This one is more fascinating to me because of the technology aspect, not necessarily as one for the average person to purchase.

The technology of drones continues to improve every year and I am sure we will continue to be amazed by them.

The FAA estimates private drones will be a $90 Billion industry within the next ten years.  Guess I’m not the only one fascinated by them!

This was originally posted on Randomocity Podcast Network’s Site March 26, 2015

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Reluctant to stay, ready to go, why we are our own worst enemies when it comes to dating – HaliPawz

dogs, flowers, relationships

I believe, as we get older, dating becomes a chore, not something we cherish.  I’m 40 and HATE dating now.  When I was younger, I was quick to go on a date or even, yes, gasp, do the “hook up” with someone.  The thrill of getting to know him, the thrill of the anticipation, it was all so much fun.  I might have even been a serial dater over the years, if you want to get right down to it.  It doesn’t mean I didn’t want the relationship, I did, often it would just be with the wrong guy.  Those stories will have to come another day though, trust me, some of them are pretty funny.  The thing I find interesting now is how quick people are to just walk away when the person doesn’t seem “perfect” but they can’t seem to understand perfect doesn’t exist because we are humans, we evolve over time, our thinking changes, our priorities change.  My “perfect man” in my twenties is no where near who I would consider my “perfect man” now that I am 40.  It’s ok!  Could you imagine if we never changed?  If our thoughts and ideas stayed the same every year.  I know I would be a little scared.  The thing is, today, it seems like everyone is reluctant to stay in a relationship, they are ready to go out the door, and that is why I say we are our own worst enemies when it comes to dating.

Young love, as in the two people are young, is simple.  We aren’t hung up on all the BS we seem to get hung up on as we get earlier.  The fighting is because one didn’t call the other enough or they fight over who loves who more, ahhhh to be that simple again.

Young love, as in the relationship is new, when you’re older takes a whole new meaning.  We have to juggle our friends, will they like him or not, because, let’s face it, they have been around a lot longer than he has, so they aren’t going anywhere.  Not once do we think, hey, they are as old as me, they are single still, is their opinion of him out of love and concern for us or out of jealousy and spite because you met someone and she didn’t?  Yes, it does happen.  We worry about our family liking him.  I know my family is used to my “flavor of the week” from my past, so when they are introduced to a new guy, they don’t really give him much thought right away.  Their typical comment is, if you like him, we’ll be nice to him.  I love my family for thinking like that, but it also makes me laugh.  I haven’t done the “flavor of the week” in over 12 years, but they still think of me like that, so I let them.  Honestly, living so far away makes it easier.  I try not to talk about any new guy and don’t bring them home to meet them unless something big is going on and I really like him.  We have to juggle our work, social life, family, and new relationship.  It isn’t as easy when you’re older.  You like doing things with your friends or family, so dropping everything to go out with your new guy, especially if you aren’t 100% sure about him, isn’t as enticing to you.  When you’re young (in age) you’ll drop everything to go hang out with him.  Then there is HIS mentality as well.  If he’s been single for a while too, it’s even worse.  He doesn’t understand why you want him to forgo hanging out with the guys to spend time with you.  Yes, it’s a little hypocritical, because you don’t want to do it either, but we won’t talk about that!   How do two people every get together over the age of 35?  Add young children, which I don’t have to worry about, into the mix and it gets even tougher I’m sure.  Maybe not though, maybe those with children are used to changing their plans on the spur of the moment.  Maybe it’s just us single people with no kids who get so set in our ways.

I have watched a show on A&E called Married At First Sight.  If you haven’t seen it, I want to give you a little snapshot of the premise.  Four experts, a psychologist; Dr. Joseph Cilona, who, for the record is a very attractive man, I think A&E should feature him even more, or just do a show where he does the majority of the talking.  I don’t know why, but I love listening and watching him talk.  No wonder he’s so successful, his patient’s would keep coming back to listen to his hypnotizing voice!  But I digress, back to the show.  The other three experts; relationship expert and professor of sociology, Dr. Pepper Schwartz, relationship expert and sexologist, Dr. Logan Levkoff, and religious adviser, Greg Epstein.  These four go through a crazy amount of applicants looking for love and choose six people to participate in the show.  They pair them up and the three couples have to get legally married to each other without knowing a single thing about their new spouse.  They don’t know their name, their likes, their dislikes, any of the information us single people try to get to know before we are even willing to set up a date!  Now, one thing I will say is, it doesn’t appear like the experts match them up for television drama like so many reality television shows do.  It appears like they give it a lot of thought and truly want the three couples to make the marriage a success.  In the first season, the couples met again at the end of 30 days to say whether they want to stay married or get a divorce.  It appears the experts learned from a few mistakes and now, the couple gets married, goes on a honeymoon, then comes back and has to live together for four weeks, so in total, it is about six weeks they are together and then meet to say whether they want to stay married or get a divorce.  In the second season, the experts also plan time to meet with the couples throughout the time frame, so they aren’t just left alone navigating the marriage waters.  GREAT CHANGES in my opinion.  It makes sense they want the marriages to be successful.  Imagine what it would do to the dating world?  What they, as experts in the relationship field, could learn from the social experiment and use in their individual practices could be priceless.  In the first season, two couples stayed married and went on to continue filming their first year together.  One couple chose to divorce.  The second season is still airing, so we don’t know yet who will make it and who won’t, if any.  I’ll be sure to post an update when it finishes!

One of the things I noticed while watching the show is, all of them go through a rough patch at one point or another, and ALL of them say (paraphrasing)

If we hadn’t been married, I would have been gone by now.  If we had only been dating, it would have been a red flag and I wouldn’t have stayed with him/her.

In less than three weeks, each of them found something in their spouse who, had they not signed up and COMMITTED to sticking in out because they were married AND because they signed a contract to do the show, they would have left.  Every one of them, so far, with the exception of one, have been able to get help with COMMUNICATION and were able to sit down to discuss the situation and work it out.  It doesn’t mean we didn’t see some anger, passion, fighting, and disagreements come out of some of the couples, but, for the most part, AFTER they were able to calm down and actually TALK about their emotions and feelings, they grew from it.  It is just an example of how “knee jerk” we have become as a society.  If we don’t like something, we just walk away.  It’s like we don’t want to give anything a chance.

Another thing I found interesting about the experiment(s) is that, in each season, at least one person did not find their new spouse attractive.  Don’t get me wrong, not a single person featured on the show would be what society would consider unattractive.  You never see shows like this with people who are over weight, in their forties, etc.  I’ll never be chosen for a reality show about relationships!  I don’t think I’m ugly, that isn’t what I’m saying.  I’m just saying, I would not be the society pretty reality shows pick for love and romance.  We are left to figure it out on our own.  Again, sidetracked….back to my point.  Both seasons, one of the females did not find her new spouse attractive.  To the point they wanted to run away.  They didn’t think it would ever work.  He didn’t give her butterflies when she saw him.  Within two weeks, both of them were changing their opinion.  Not only did they no longer want to run, but they talked about how attractive they actually found him.  I do think we can sometimes get hung up on looks too much.  Yes, there has to be an attraction, don’t get me wrong….but is the attraction all physical or does there have to be a mental attraction as well?  I know I personally have changed over the years as to what I find attractive.  It doesn’t mean I’m lowering my standards it just means I can appreciate a man’s smile, or his eyes, and find something like that which makes him so attractive in my eyes.  I always say, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but it starts with a mirror”

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Sometimes we let society, our friends, and family interfere with our relationships and affect the way we see someone else.  In the past, I wrote about loving for love and yourself, no one else and it is so true.  In the case of these couples, their spouses personality shone through and made them attractive to the other person.  Had they not been doing the show, they would have never met, never taken the time to learn about each other, and see how attracted they really were to this guy they called ugly.

Relationships are not easy.  Not the lasting ones anyway.  They take work.  Today would have been my parent’s 60th wedding anniversary.  My dad passed away in 2013.  He had suffered from Alzheimer’s for ten years before he passed.  Their marriage wasn’t perfect.  It had it’s ups and downs.  I remember listening to my share of arguments between the two of them.  Sometimes the storms were rough, but after they made it through them, they came out stronger.  That is something I learned from them.  Getting through the rough spots doesn’t just get you to the other side, it makes you STRONGER as an individual.  My mom had the strength to make it through some really difficult times with a man who could be, at times, a grumpy man, and went on to care for him for five years of his Alzheimer’s keeping him at home until we, her children, stepped in to let her know he needed more care than she could physically give him.  He spent his remaining five years in a nursing home, where she went almost every day to see him and feed him his lunch.  The only days she didn’t go was if she was out of town or the weather was just too bad for her to get out.  She stayed true to him and a wife to him to the very end.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should stay with someone JUST to stay with them.  I’m saying we, as a society, are quick to react instead of trying to communicate and fix.  I know everyone says they have a list of reasons why they would leave and every thing else is things they would try to work through, but is that really true?  Think about reasons why you have left some of your past long term relationships…..was it because of something on your “hard” list or was it really due to poor communication?

Clearly I am not a relationship expert, I am single right now, so I won’t profess to have all of the answers.  Sometimes I am guilty of seeing the red flags and making some up if there isn’t really any evident ones.  I get not everything is solved with communication if both parties are not committed.  This isn’t about people who meet to decide if there is a connection, it is about couples who are ready to SAY they are a couple and be in a committed relationship…..don’t run the minute things make you want to run.  Stop.  Calm down so your brain is doing the communication, not your emotions.  Then COMMUNICATE about what happened about what upset you.  It’s amazing how much better communication goes when it’s done in a calm, honest manner, not an emotional, hurtful manner.

In the end, we all have to remember humans are just that; human.  We are individuals trying to make it work with another individual.  It’s not easy.  It’s not always fun.  The thing to remember is, it is worth it!

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Charlie Charlie Challenge, Love it, hate it, believe it or not, the explanation can be based on beliefs – HaliPawz

So, this Charlie Charlie Challenge is the newest fad hitting all of social media.  If you haven’t heard about it, here’s the premise….

You take a piece of paper and draw two opposite lines on it, making a cross.  You put the word “yes” in the top left corner and the bottom right corner.  You then put the word “no” in the top right corner and the bottom left corner.

You place two pencils one on top of the other in a cross.

The rules are, supposedly Charlie is a polite demon and you have to ask him if you can play the game, so you say “Charlie Charlie, can we play?” and you wait until the pencils move to say yes or no.  If the pencil points to yes, you can continue asking him questions, if it points to no, you cannot or you have to ask again.  Then, when you are done, you have to ask Charlie if you can stop playing, so you say, “Charlie, Charlie, can we stop?” and again, wait until the pencil says yes or no.  If you don’t ask if you can stop, then bad or strange things can happen following.

Now, let’s break this down a little bit…..

Charlie is supposedly a Mexican demon who insists on politeness.  Since he’s Mexican, why Charlie?  Wouldn’t it be Carlos, Carlos and then ask in Spanish?  Apparently this demon is bi-lingual!

Christians have a problem with it because they liken it to the Ouija board, which Christians feel is a tool used to converse with demons.  Of course, scientists have proved more than once why, or how, the Ouija board moves.  Since a lot of Scientists and Christians seem to want to have a battle like the Hatfields and the McCoys, it isn’t likely everyone will accept each other’s thoughts on it.  When I was a teenage, before I understood how it worked, I was a little creeped out by the Ouija board, so I tended to stay away from it.  Now, as an adult, I would chalk it up with the same as psychics, fortune tellers, etc, so I wouldn’t even think about using it to make a decision.

Now, those crazy scientists have worked to debunk the Charlie Charlie Challenge as well.  They talk about gravity and the stability of the pencils on top of each other.  Even if you have a steady hand and are able to get the pencils to balance on top of each other, the breath you expel to say “Charlie Charlie can we play” is enough to upset the perfect balance and send the top pencil moving, with the hexagon or round shape of the two, it only makes sense that it spins on an angle and then ends up in one of the “yes” or “no” quadrants.

pencil cross pencils

Let’s talk about the yes or no answers.  Since you are asking a DEMON life questions, do you expect him to answer you in a manner that is benefiting to you or to him?  Wouldn’t he give you bad advice, being a demon and all? I’m not sure I would want to trust his answers.

Now the question of why strange or bad things happen if you forget to ask Charlie if you can stop playing?  This is pretty simple.  If you have an open enough mind to believe you could actually talk to a demon to answer your questions, then it makes sense that you will be more sensitive to things happening.  In any day to day, things happen.  If your senses are already heightened to expect something bad or strange, you will accept it as such when things happen.

In the end, you can choose to believe it or be afraid of it.  Teenagers are going to do it.  If it really bothers you to the point you feel it is dangerous, talk to your child about it, but in reality, it’s a fad, and like most fads, it will go away in time.

A little tidbit about this post….as I was doing the research on it, many of the pages I kept trying to open or opened, would either not open or would just keep resetting…..could it be Charlie having a problem with me typing this??? Hmm

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Why the death of a stranger affected me – HaliPawz

All of us experience high and low moments in life.  I have learned to accept them and just go with them. Yesterday was one of those days which started fairly well.  I was having a good day.  I had completed a blog I liked, I had created some memes for fun, and I was going to Five Guys for a great burger.   While I was at Five Guys, my day plummeted.  I learned about a death of, in reality, a stranger, and it affected me in such a surprising way.

He wasn’t a complete stranger.  I had “met” him a few weeks ago.  He had messaged me on an online dating site. I don’t have too many profiles up as I don’t date all that often anymore, but I still have a couple up. This particular one I had shut off for over a year and just re-activated it.  He had messaged me with a simple statement,

My daughter loves horses

It was an interesting hello but I went to go and look at his profile. It was interesting.  He was confident.  He was attractive.  Then I made it to the bottom of his profile and he shared the fact he wasn’t attracted to overweight women.  It made me pause.  This particular profile, of mine, is pretty accurate. I have two full length pictures. I’m not a skinny woman. Why would he message me? I responded politely to him, as I do for anyone that messages me, and I pointed out I didn’t match all of his profile but was happy to talk to him.

We started exchanging messages back and forth, small, not a lot of substance.  Then he tells me he is looking to take his daughter horseback riding for her birthday.  She loves horses, has been taking lessons for a year.  He asked if I tecommended a place.

Ahhh, now it makes sense…he wasn’t interested in me, but more in the fact I had a horse! I have a couple pics of me and Luke on there.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to be negative on myself.  I respect the fact he was open about his preferences.  I have preferences, we all do.  I just also know it isn’t typical for someone who normally dates skinny, fit, athletic women, to message me. I don’t fit their “likes” and it’s OK. We should never have a problem if someone had a type and we don’t fit it, even if we find them attractive, just like it is ok if someone who is attracted to us doesn’t fit our “type” or we don’t find them attractive.  There is no rule we have to find everyone attractive or vice versa.

The stranger and I talked horses a bit but I was getting ready to go to, ironically, a horse event so I shot him my phone number and my name so I could stop typing and we could discuss his questions quicker.  He responded with his name and number and said he’d call me a little later.

After some phone tag, we finally talked.  I didn’t quite understand why he was asking me some of his questions because he already had an answer and it was an established, positive answer to one of his questions.  He was interesting to talk to.  A little hot headed, quick to comment if he didn’t like what I said.  Not always a great listener when he was passionate about something. He was fun to talk to!

He mentioned being interested in possibly buying a horse for his daughter.  Asked me if I knew anyone who might be selling one.  I said I might.  I’d make a few calls.  We talked or messaged quite a bit.  Sometimes random stuff, sometimes about his daughter.

He had a passion about something I not only understood, but believed in as well.  He said he had the passion but not the words, so his website wasn’t what he would like.  I had read his site. He was right! His wording wasn’t the best.  His passion did not some out.  It was flat. I chuckled and said, well you might be in luck.  I sent him a link to this site so he could read some of my work.   He was excited.  His actual words were, “Could it be….” Then he asked me something about one of my blogs.

We had a falling out. We argued about something silly.  He was so bent on not “labeling” anyone or anything that he was mad I made a blind comment about a horse he was going to look at and I knew nothing about except the age and breed.  My comment was not inaccurate. It was about the breed.  He wasn’t a horse person so he didn’t quite understand it wasn’t a broad statement.  He was pretty upset.  We ended our conversation and I figured I’d never hear from him again.

Surprisingly, I did. He called me the next day.  We talked for a short time.  He didn’t even mention the previous conversation.  He intrigued me.  I never quite understood his way of thinking but had fun talking to him.

He called me during the day a couple days ago and I was busy.  We talked for about five minutes, but I was with someone and in a noisy environment so I told him I would have to talk to him later.  I knew he would have his daughter for the weekend so I told him to have a good time with her.  He mentioned going to see a matinee of the Avengers movie while she was in school the next day.  The way he worded it, I wasn’t sure if he was just mentioning it to mention it or if there was another reason.  I ended the call and decided I would figure it out later.

I didn’t expect to hear from him for a few days but he messaged me later that night. He would sometimes message me via the dating site we originally started talking on, sometimes he would text, sometimes he would call.  There were a few times we even went back and forth between the dating site & texting.

Shortly after 9pm he texted me to see if I was still out.  Sporadically, we learned we were both home, in out of the storms.  For a weird reason, he asked me where I was (had never asked me that before) so I asked him where he was.  When he said home, I responded “Good. Safe and Sound”


I never knew it would be my last words to him.

I texted him the next day, knowing he was with his daughter, and told him I hoped he was having a great day with her.

What followed was something I never saw coming…..

The text back told me he had passed away.

I didn’t understand or comprehend at first.  How could he be gone if “he” was texting me back.

Someone else had his phone.  He or she wasn’t family so they didn’t feel right telling me exactly what happened.  They asked me if I knew the family.  I didn’t.  I barely knew him.  We texted a small bit. I offered my condolences.  The texter admired my stranger friend as an “amazing man and father” and from the little I knew, I believed him.

As the day went on, I struggled with the news.  It was hard processing it. Why was I having such a hard time? I googled his name, trying to find an explanation.  No luck.  Then I went back to his dating profile…to our conversations….like I would find a miraculous explanation at a place no one in his family probably even knew about.

It made me question my own life.  Who would know all the different accounts I had.  Social media….I have all the basics plus some of the random ones.  People I interact with on the smaller ones would just think I got busy, or stopped posting.

Life isn’t guaranteed. We never know what is going to happen one day to the next.  

IMG_3194-1

Closure is an interesting thing.  Without closure, we feel lost, a little in limbo.

I’m hoping, with the posting of this blog, I will feel the closure I am seeking.

RIP to the stranger whom I only knew a short time but who’s passing will stay with me. 

 

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Labeling Religion brings lack of acceptance – HaliPawz

dogs, dachshund, mastiff, tolerance, differences

We seem to love labels.  I don’t know if it’s an American thing, a world thing, but the idea of saying, “I’m just not sure, I’m still figuring it out” doesn’t seem to be used enough or accepted enough.

I had a conversation last night with a friend and we started discussing religion and family.  He has stated many times in the past he is agnostic but I have also heard him use the word “atheist” in the past.

The conversation took place because he wasn’t planning on going to church with his mom on Mother’s Day.  Now I don’t care if someone goes or doesn’t go to church, but it was his reasoning behind why he wasn’t going.  He said it was because he’s “atheist, agnostic, or whatever” (his words not mine).  You can’t really be Atheist, Agnostic, or whatever.  I called him out on his choice of words!

If he was, indeed, agnostic, going to church really would be no problem at all. Going to church with family would be no different than going to a family member’s house you don’t really care for, but you go out of respect or expectation.  As an agnostic person, you aren’t against the concept of a God, you’re just skeptical or non-committal towards the idea of God.  If this is the case, then suck it up, make your mom happy, and go to church.  It shouldn’t be an issue and you’re mom is happy.

His issue isn’t with God or even the existence of God, it is with the labels and expectations, mostly associated with organized religion.

I decided it was time for us to discuss this further and help him understand why others have difficulty respecting his stand when his stand is always changing.

I try to understand other’s points of views, even if I don’t always agree with them.  Because of this, I try to use words or terminology which will fit the person I am talking to.  If I’m talking to a Christian, I state I am a Christian, I just have difficulty with organized religion. If I’m talking to an Agnostic person, I state I most identify as a Christian but all it means is I believe in a higher spirit, just not necessarily organized religion. It is the same thing, I’m wording it for the best comprehension.

I accept and respect ANY religion which does not bring harm to others.  Yes, even the understood “Christian” religions who choose to kill “in the name of God” aren’t doing it because of God, they are doing it because of some organized religion directing them to do so.

How many of us know someone like this?

Why does anyone think their religion is better than another’s, when, in reality, it is all the same?

Imagine, if you will, going back hundreds of years and talking to a Native American about his religion. Now imagine you are a Christian determined to convert him to Christianity because you believe in it so much.  First you tell him his religion is wrong because he prays to a “spirit” to bring rain.  He is wrong because he believes in Gods and Godesses and there can be only ONE God.  You tell him all this and then proceed to tell him about YOUR God, your religion. You tell him about God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, Jaweh, King of Kings, etc….Ummm can you see how that information could make a head spin??? Tell me again what the difference is? Never mind the fact BOTH believe in an ultimate higher being. BOTH believe in human immortality and an afterlife. Just because someone puts different words to the same concept doesn’t make it wrong or give it a different meaning! When a Christian is experiencing a drought, he prays to God for rain but I sure the term “Mother Nature” has been said at one point in time, either by them or by someone they know.  Why is it so easy to accept Mother Nature but not another person’s terminology for God?


Religion isn’t easy.  It is the desire to accept something that is not felt, not touched, not seen. Then we (humans) come along and make it more difficult by wanting to wrap our beliefs, the way WE understand it, up in a pretty box and put a bow on it because we cannot accept the fact it is all the same, just summarized differently.

The next time you want to have an issue with someone else’s beliefs, take a minute, ask them to explain it, or use the Internet to get a better understanding, if it is completely different than your own, respectfully explain your belief, your understanding….but in the end, if your belief or theirs brings NO HARM or DISRESPECT to others, accept it as theirs and move on.  One is not better than the other.

When respect and acceptance of differences begin to be a norm, society will be a much better place!

If you liked this and want to stay up to date with me, follow me on Twitter @HaliPawz  or Like me on Facebook.com/HaliPawz 

Is Darth Vader secretly a Dominant in BDSM – HaliPawz

Darth Vader is known worldwide.  Just the mere mention of his name and a clear image comes to mind.  I believe Darth Vader secretly is a Dominant in the BDSM world.

Let’s look at the facts.

He has an imposing presence.  He exudes confidence.  When he enters a room, eyes turn to him.  He is tall and well built.  Not to mention he wears all black very well.

Imposing Darth Vader

He is mysterious.  He wears a mask almost all the time.

He wears sexy, lickable boots. I am sure a submissive would be happy to lick and kiss those shiny boots any day.

He would definitely be into breath play. With is ability to force choke, he could choke a sub during play with no effort on his part.  He’d just have to be careful not to take it too far.

He is a complex and conflicted man.  Two traits you often see with a strong Dom.

His theme song is a march!  How easy it would be to punish someone to it’s beat (no pun intended!)

He likes his army to be clones, obeying his every command, responding without argument.  They know how to line up, how to wait for instruction. Just like a Dom, he doesn’t think enough of them to give them names; only two had names (I guess those would be considered the alpha subs!)

Darth Vader army

He loves power.

He likes to have a weapon in his hand and knows how to use it.

He is comfortable causing pain in others.

Let’s face it, Darth Vader is one badass who loves to be feared and respected and that is why I believe he is secretly a Dom in the BDSM world!

If you liked this and want to stay up to date with me, follow me on Twitter @HaliPawz  or Like me on Facebook.com/HaliPawz 

When arrogance and a self serving attitude steal moments from others.

I really don’t like to give Kanye West more attention than he is already getting, because, let’s face it, he doesn’t need any more attention, but I read yet another story about him tonight and I have to share my thoughts.

First, I want to go on record of saying I am an HUGE fan of the Kardashians.  I’m not here to dispute the pros and cons of the family.  I admire their family togetherness, being from a large family myself, I understand how they can be mad at each other one minute and then band together the next minute when one of them is going through something.  Love them or hate them, I think it is clear, to anyone who has watched more than one episode, they are truly a family first and foremost.

Kanye West is not a Kardashian.  He married a Kardashian.  Just because he married one doesn’t mean I automatically have to like him.  I’m not a huge fan of Kim’s anyway, so it’s easy to not like him.

Here is my issue.  I really do not like self-absorbed people.  I know it is easy to sometimes get so caught up in our own feelings and life that anyone of us can come across as self-centered, self-absorbed from time to time, but he takes it to a level I cannot even comprehend.

Tonight the news is all abuzz about him tweeting an apology to Beck.  Isn’t that nice?  He tweeted an apology.  So big of him.  Are you kidding me?  So he tweets an apology and everything is all good and happy with the world again?  Does he truly think that is all it takes?

Let’s look back to the VMAs back in 2009.  Taylor Swift was announced as a winner for best female video.  It was clear she was truly honored and excited to win this award.  Here was a young artist making her move from country to pop, accepting an award she was EXCITED about and out comes Kanye West, interrupting her acceptance speech with bad English “Imma let you finish” and then went on to say Beyoncé had the best video of all time.  How dare he?  How dare he believe he had the RIGHT and the AUTHORITY to take away something so precious to Taylor Swift just because he felt she should not have won?  Who does he think he is? Moments are to be treasured, and he stomped on Taylor Swift’s moment.  Yes, she wins awards, yes she wins lots of awards, but it doesn’t matter.  What mattered on that day back in 2009 was her getting to say thank you and he interrupted it.  He hands the microphone back to her and walks off.  She is silent.  What is she supposed to say?  What did he THINK she would say?    Her moment is dashed by a pompous, arrogant jerk.  Beyoncé tried to make it better by giving Taylor some time when she was given an award, which was sweet, but doesn’t give a moment back. What I find ironic is he takes to his blog shortly after “apologizing” to her in the most in sincerest way possible.  He says he is sorry, then goes on to say Beyoncé’s video was the best of the decade!  Are you kidding me?  How do you call that an apology?  It wasn’t.  It was just a way to save face.  And to bring his mother into it, saying she would have corrected him.  He should have apologized for the horrible apology, but that wouldn’t be sincere either, so why does he even bother to waste his breath?

Kanye West has been a jerk prior to this event, in Europe at an MTV awards event.  Clearly he is a poor loser, even when the loss isn’t directly related to him.

Fast forward to this year.  The Grammys…..West, once again, thinking he is better than EVERYONE else in the room, interrupts Becks Acceptance speech for Album of the Year.  West then plays it off like he’s just joking and walks back off the stage.  Now, before we even talk about what happened in post interviews, let’s talk about this moment.  It was BECK’S MOMENT, not Kanye West’s.  Kanye West has no respect for anyone but himself.  You don’t take away someone’s moment with the thought, “Oh, I can just apologize later and make it better”.  To have such a level of disrespect for others and such a high sense of self is truly disgusting.

Beck was a perfect gentleman and handled it gracefully, but he should not have been put in the position in the first place.

In the post-show interviews, West went on to, surprise surprise, talk about Beyoncé again, saying she should have won.

I just know that the Grammys, if they want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing with us. We ain’t gonna play with them no more. And Beck needs to respect artistry and he should’ve given his award to Beyoncé.

I find it interesting he uses the word respect yet has no idea what the word means.  What is his love affair with Beyoncé?  If I was Jay Z (Beyoncé’s husband) I would be so mad.  It is clear West has an obsession with Beyoncé.  Then the truth comes out he hadn’t even HEARD the album by Beck.  So, he had nothing to compare it to, yet felt he could open his mouth?  Why do they let this man continue to come to award shows?   In my opinion, they should ban him for a whole year from all of the awards and tell him when he grows up and can be respectful of others, he’ll be allowed to attend the shows again.

Of course, now it’s coming out he’s apologizing.  He’s stating he’s going to record with Taylor Swift.  He’s saying how great of an artist Beck is, etc.  All this is saying is he realizes he was, yet again, a disrespectful jerk and has to play nice to pretend he really cares about others.  At some point, when are people going to realize he’s just a jerk?  He’s not going to change.  He’ll act out like a child, then apologize when a parent tells him to, until he does it again.  It also shows how much of an adult Taylor Swift is, trying to put the past behind them and move on.

Of course, West doesn’t stop his attacks on just other artists.   He thinks so highly of himself to believe he has the RIGHT to MAKE concert goers stand up when he commands them to.  At a concert in Australia in 2014, he is filmed saying everyone has to stand up unless they are handicapped.  Then, when two people don’t stand up, he doesn’t just keep going, oh no, he has to send his security team to make sure they were, indeed, handicapped.  News Flash jerk….not every disability is visible!   How about you don’t draw attention to people who probably have unwanted attention drawn on them every day anyway?  Oh that’s right, he doesn’t care about other people’s feelings, only his own.  It was sweet of his wife to stand by her man saying that he qualified who didn’t have to stand up.   Really???  Come on!  If someone wants to pay unbelievable amounts of money to see a pompous jerk, then they have the right to stay seated if they want to.  As much as he want’s people to believe, he isn’t a god.  He doesn’t control other humans.

We have to stop rewarding bad behavior people!   We have to stop allowing these celebrities set the tone for disrespect. The question is WHY do we keep saying it’s ok?  Why do we shrug off the bad behavior when it so blatantly steals another person’s moment(s).

We need to start focusing on respect and truly understanding what the word means, then start showing it as an example, not an exception.

Follow your dreams, when you hit a fork, don’t be afraid to explore

Sometimes moments happen to us that we don’t always understand but we need to embrace them, cherish them, and grow as a person from them.  I stepped away from my safe job about a year ago to take a chance on myself.  I had three goals:  Start my own business, Finish my book(s), and Blog my personal ideas and thoughts, separate from the business writing.  Of course, the overall goal is to be successful at all of it.

I made mistakes when I first started out.  I thought it was all about making a quick dollar and I forgot about where my passion lied within the network of the business.  Then fear set in.  Fear I had made a mistake.  Fear I wouldn’t be successful.  Almost to the point where I didn’t even want to continue with my business endeavors.

Then it all started kicking in.  I needed to go back to the root of WHY I wanted to start the business.  I needed to be reminded WHY I was writing my book(s), I needed to remember WHY I wanted to share my voice with whomever would read my blogs.  I made changes.  I put the focus where it needed to be.

Almost a year later, here is where I am.  My business concept has taken a completely different turn in more ways than one.  I love to make people laugh, I love to make people think, I love to help people.  How do I turn that all into something successful?  I don’t know yet.  What I do know is it is important to look at the paths you go down, the paths you cross and not let uncertainty or fear cause you to miss out on an amazing opportunity.

I’m not where I want to be yet fiscally with my business.  Surprisingly, my personal writing has been getting more attention then I thought it would and I have been told I have a gift to write, so I decided to venture out and see if I could supplement my income with my writing.  I stumbled upon an intern position for Randomocity Podcast Network.  Intern position at my age?  No thank you.  I moved on.  Wait, it was for a podcast.  Let me go back and read it again.  I think I read the job description about five or six times.  Something kept telling me to apply.  I argued with myself; it’s an INTERN position!  I needed something to SUPPLEMENT my income, not take more time away.

Randomocity Logo

I applied with the thought, I’ll keep looking for something else, but it doesn’t hurt to see what they have to say.  I heard back and they liked my writing.  Yay!  I submitted something else for them, which I discussed in the blog “Deflated Balls in your Face…”  and set up the interview.  I wasn’t sure why I was going.  Looking at their social media interaction, they didn’t have a strong impact.  I kept saying it was a good way to get my writing and name out there, but if their social media numbers were any indication, was it really going to help me?  Yes, it was a podcast and for some reason, I had been intrigued by the concept for a while now.  The only problem was, every indication from them was they really just wanted me as a blogger, not on the podcast.  I was disappointed about it, but thought, I’m in it this far, just go and see what they have to say.

I can honestly say it was the best interview I have ever been on.  I was so excited!  Not only was I going to get to write for them, but they were also going to consider me for the podcast!  There was something about this business I was drawn to from the beginning and the excitement of being involved wasn’t going away, it was only getting stronger.  Not to mention the fact their social media numbers did not, in any way, reflect their listener base, which made me extremely happy.

I made a huge mistake and listened to a bunch of podcasts over the course of a few days.  No, it wasn’t a mistake!  I’m joking about that, but it was a mistake in the sense panic set in.  I’m not this funny.  These guys are hilarious!  I could not stop laughing from the minute they started to the minute they ended.  What was I getting myself into?  I love to laugh, yes, I make others laugh from time to time, but I had also been reminded over the years of how “unfunny” I was from people I had known.  I think the thing I was truly drawn to with the podcasts is, from time to time, they would discuss something I had no interest in or no knowledge of, but I would still listen, I would still laugh, and yes, at times, I would be curious about what they were discussing.  When anyone can get my attention about a subject I have no interest in, I’m sold!  They would do it time and time again AND I was going to be a part of it.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I’m NOT funny!  I was devastated.  Then, through conversation with the owner, he reminded me I might not make it into the podcast.  They had to test me on the mic to see how I did.  My heart sank.  I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt like my excited emotional moment came crashing to a harsh stop.  I already knew I wasn’t funny.  They would do the test with me and discover it for them themselves and my heart would be broken.  I considered saving myself, and them, the trouble, and just telling them it wasn’t for me. I couldn’t.  I REALLY wanted this.  I really felt drawn to this company.  No matter how many times I tried to convince myself why I shouldn’t, my heart won.  I felt led to this and I was going to take a chance on myself!

I was a bundle of nerves the first day I went to record.  I had so much nervous energy, I swept and mopped my floors, I baked cookies, I did laundry.  Looking at the cookies cooling, I thought, “hey, why not take some to them?” I sure didn’t want them all in my house to eat.  I’m trying to lose weight, not gain!  I got dressed, packed up some cookies, and headed out the door.

Within minutes, I was at ease.  While I didn’t get to meet the whole team at once, it was clear I was in a comfortable setting. The guys appreciated the cookies, score one for the new girl! Of course, now I’m thinking I will have to bake often because they are going to expect more cookies, but I’m ok with it.  The little voice in the back of my mind kept telling me, “You might still suck on mic, don’t get too excited” and “You aren’t funny!” but I refused to listen.  We hit a few snags getting started, which you will hear about in the podcast, but it was all handled with fun and laughter.

Laughter.  Laughter is something you can never get enough of and it is something I do non stop when I am around these guys.  I also realized when you are around people who truly appreciate you for you, who genuinely have a gift of comedy, and are just overall great people, it is easy to be funny around them.  Yes, I am funny when I am with them!  What???  I get to be myself and help make others laugh? Am I dreaming?

I have since met all three guys.  I know I am the luckiest woman right now.  I have an opportunity to work with some of the most intelligent, funny,  down to earth guys, you could ever meet; doing something I truly enjoy.  All because I kept fear away and took a chance on something I wanted to try.

I am blessed.

The show IS so good, it ended up being split into two parts. Please take some time and listen.  I am sure you won’t regret it.  As you can hear from my laughter, I laughed throughout the whole thing and then laughed again when I listened to it.  I really need to work on laughing quieter, I know!

Randomocity #15 The VD Special Volume 1

Randomocity #15.2 The VD Special Episode 2  

Of course, after you listen to it, you will understand the following, but I have to make sure to put this social media plug in as well.

If you are on Facebook, please LIKE them at Facebook.com/RandomocityPodcast

On Twitter, Follow them @RadomocityPod

On Instagram: RandomocityPodcastNetwork

The quicker their count gets to 1000, the quicker you all get to hear sound bites of men screeming in pain!  Who doesn’t want that?

Follow your dreams, invest in yourself, believe in yourself!  There is no limit when you are your own cheerleader!

Love for Love and no one else-HaliPawz

Love is a powerful emotion and it’s important to remember to love for love, not for any other reason.

I remember when I was in 7th or 8th grade, I liked a guy.  I think his name was Ted if I remember correctly.  He was sweet.  He was a little dorky like me.  We could talk easily.  Ted finally asked me to go “steady”.  Going steady back then might not seem like a big deal by today’s standards, it was pretty tame.  You might hold hands.  You might eat lunch together.  You might kiss but the intermediate schoolgirl in me probably wouldn’t have gotten much further.  I was so excited.  I was going steady with the boy I liked.  Life was good.

For about an hour.

Like most girls, I went and told my friends.  I knew they would be excited with me.  They should have been.  Interestingly enough, they weren’t mean to me, but they WERE mean ABOUT Ted.  Girls can be rough.  They couldn’t understand why I would want to go out with him.  He’s soooooo weird (spoken in true grade school voice).  Sadly, they convinced me I shouldn’t WANT to go steady with him.  My going steady lasted the whole some of three hours and I lost  hurt a friend.  Something I regret until this day.  I don’t even know what happened to him, I hope he’s happy.  I hope he’s successful.  He’s probably some rich, intelligent millionaire!

Things happened throughout my school years that kept me from WANTING to date.  It would seem like anytime I met someone who made me happy, someone else would step in and say something and mess it up.  I would watch my friends go in and out of relationships, I would see them lose a male friend because their new “boyfriend” didn’t want them hanging out with another guy.  I decided dating wasn’t worth the headache.  I was happier being “one of the guys” than I was dating a guy.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like I was turning down a lot of offers.  I was pretty shy.  I hid it well, so well most people don’t realize I can be shy even today.  The ironic thing is, all these years later and I’m still more comfortable hanging out with men than most women.

Fast forward to 10th grade.  A friend of mine had a cute cousin.  He asked me out.  I WANTED to say yes, but again, someone else’s opinion affected my decision.  This time it was a respect thing.  This young man happened to be black.  My dad wasn’t racist.  He was older and felt people should date within their race.  It wasn’t a black and white thing, it was ANY race.  He felt it was better for the children.  Perhaps back then there was some truth to it.  It was easy for me to say, “I’m flattered but out of respect for my parents, as long as I live under their roof, I won’t go against them.”  Looking back, I don’t regret it, because I still feel like family is the most important people in our lives and sometimes you have to do something you might not want to out of respect.

I went on to date and marry the man who was to become my husband, then ex husband.  I don’t want to dwell on him because we should have never married in the first place.  He showed me love by showering me with gifts and attention.  He was a show boat.  He wanted everyone to look at him and say how lucky I was to be with him.  Honestly, I didn’t even like who I was when I was with him.  We divorced and I was single again.

I was hurting after my divorce.  I refused to show my family how hurt I was, I felt like I was a failure.  I had picked the wrong guy…..again.  This time with no outside influences, just the opposite really.  Everyone loved him.  Loved him for me.

I dated, a LOT, following my divorce.  I don’t even know if dating is the right word, because sometimes I couldn’t even remember the name of the guy I was at dinner with.  He didn’t matter to me.  I didn’t want to be alone, I didn’t want to be single, but I didn’t trust myself to get invested emotionally with anyone.

Interestingly, every guy I dated after my divorce was black.  It wasn’t a defiant thing, it was an attraction thing. (To set the record straight, by this time, my dad had changed his opinion somewhat about interracial dating)  One day my ex (he was my boyfriend at the time) said to me, “You know, if we every break up, you’ll never date another white man, you just aren’t attracted to us”  and he was right.  I wasn’t attracted to HIM.  I loved him but not the way a woman should love a man, he started out as a friend and figured out how to make me love him so he could have the ideal world.  But remember, he was PERFECT for me, according to everyone else.

I was fortunate to date some great men over the years.  I never let them close to me emotionally because I didn’t want to get hurt, but I can still say they were great men.

What I find strange about our society is the way we judge one another’s relationships and compare the couple in terms of society attraction.  I have always been overweight. I don’t hide it.  I don’t make excuses for it.  I work out, I lose weight, I gain weight.  I won’t say I yo-yo because it can be over years for the up and down to take place.  Interestingly enough, I was attracted to athletes, especially those with the linebacker build.  If I dated someone society viewed as “hot” people would wonder why he was with me.  For some reason, our society accepts “hot” women dating overweight guys with no problem, but they do not want to accept a “hot” guy dating an overweight woman. Another example of things wrong with our society.

I didn’t let this bother me.  If I was with the “hot” guy, I was just happy because I had the hot guy. Oddly enough, sometimes the hot guy was with me for my personality but I couldn’t stand his!  I would be bored.  My mind wasn’t stimulated so my heart couldn’t be. I fell in and out of relationships so fast back then, my family started calling them the flavor of the week.  I didn’t like the reputation or the connotation, but I couldn’t find what I was looking for.

Every now and then, a guy would get me to calm down.  I would actually put in an effort to have a relationship.  The only problem was, again, they would be approved by my family or friends, or both, but they wouldn’t be approved by me.  Not always through any fault of my own.  Sometimes they were just bad boyfriends.

I moved out of Michigan and when the person I thought was going to move with me couldn’t at the last-minute, I decided to restructure my life.  I didn’t want to go back to the “flavor of the week” mentality but I also didn’t want to settle for someone who treated me poorly.  How do you find the balance?

I didn’t.  I was lonely here.  No family, no friends, travelling for work all the time.  I’m shy.  I’m an introvert but keep it hidden.  I fell for the handsome guy that could spin words so well I believed we were going to be together forever.  I had a good job, was alone down here, and I let him take advantage of my loneliness.  Not once in four years with him did he EVER pay for a meal.  We would go on vacation, he wouldn’t pay for a thing.  He would constantly tell me how much I would have to change in order for him to move from love to something permanent.  I convinced myself I believed in what he was doing and the best way to help him was to support him however I needed to.  He was cute, I liked being with him but more than that, I didn’t know anyone else here in Kansas City, so I put up with way more than I should have.  The best thing to ever happen to me was cutting ties with him.

I stopped travelling for work.  I started making friends.  REAL friends.  The funny thing about having friends is, they have opinions and their opinions mattered more than I wanted to admit sometimes.  If I found a guy cute and they didn’t, I would wonder if I REALLY thought he was cute.   If I went out with a guy who was average by society standards, but made me laugh, made me happy, I felt I had to justify why I went out with him.  If one of my female friends even wrinkled their nose a little, or said, “eh, he’s ok” I would defend WHY I liked him.

As a woman, I was just as guilty.  If my friends would start dating someone and I didn’t find him attractive, I would do the same thing.  I would make a face, and then I would hear a reason why she was dating him.  I think it would be great if we could all just be happy for our friends and enjoy the journey.

As I have gotten older, I have learned the “perfect man” isn’t any one particular age, particular height, particular race.  The perfect man for me doesn’t have to be approved by any of my friends because they aren’t feeling what I’m feeling.  I have also learned he doesn’t have to match my past preferences.  He does have to match my present preferences, but those preferences are so different from before.  I’ve also learned to be strong for myself.  I don’t date just to date.  I tell the man goodbye when I see he isn’t the one for me.

Over the last few years, I have also learned attraction isn’t about perfection.  Attraction, true attraction, comes from the heart.  It doesn’t have to come with your friends approval of attraction because.  I find a smile sexy.  I find eyes that look at me like I am the most important person to them a turn on.  I find the fact I WANT to be around them longer than an hour or two heart melting.

I have also learned to value myself.  I learned not to wait with the hope something will get better.  If it starts out poorly, it isn’t going to get better.  Some men have the ability to spin words until you start feeling like you are the crazy one.  Don’t fall for it.  You know it will be the same words tomorrow from him.  If he gives you a list of things to change about yourself, start with the most important one, changing the status of your relationship.

Love is happiness.  Love yourself first.  If love doesn’t happen for you today or tomorrow, it’s ok.  Embrace who you are today.  If you are in a relationship and you feel devalued, re-evaluate the relationship.  Life is too short.

Most of all, don’t let anyone mess up your “steady” moments with a nose wrinkle or an unkind word.  Follow your heart, YOUR heart, and when you meet the one who steals your heart, you will find him the most handsome man you have ever met, and you won’t even WANT to justify why because it’ll be obvious; obvious to you, to him, and to the world.

Love love.

You can’t Rape the Willing, or can you? Does Society Tell Men it is OK to Rape when she says no?-HaliPawz

***WARNING, EXPLICIT LANGUAGE***

Sometimes it is not easy to sit down and write about touchy subjects.  This one has been rolling around in my head for a few days and I feel it is important to get the message out.

Society has double standards, everyone knows it, they have chosen to accept it or ignore it.  Sometimes those double standards are also opposite messages.  Society teaches women one thing and men another.  The problem is, who gets hurt when those messages tend to clash so drastically?

I want to share a scenario that has happened all too often in our society.

Jean and Sam go out on a first date.  They both had an ok time at dinner, Jean still isn’t too sure how she feels about him.  As Sam brings her home, he convinces her to let him come in so they can talk a little more and “get to know each other better.”  Jean has been single for a while and in the dating world, she knows what that means to some men.  Sam isn’t taking no for an answer, he convinces her he’ll only be there a few minutes.  He’s a good guy, she needs to give him a chance.

Jean agrees.  As they are sitting on the couch talking, Jean realizes he isn’t a bad guy, she just knows he isn’t the one for her.  As she starts to hint it is time to go, Sam leans over and starts kissing her.  He kisses GREAT.  Jean knows she shouldn’t, but she returns his kisses.  It has been a while since she has been kissed like that.  Maybe there is hope after all.

Sam’s hands start traveling up her shirt.  She pushes them away.  She likes his kisses, but that’s it.  She isn’t going any further with him.  She tells him no.  He starts kissing her neck, her ear.  She likes it, she’s human.  She loves the feel of his lips.  His hands start to undo her pants.  She tells him no again and suggests it is time for him to leave.  As she stands up, he follows her.  He starts kissing her again, this time a little more forcefully.  He takes her hand and places it against his pants…”Come on baby, don’t do this to me” he whispers to her.  She pushes her hand away and says it’s time for him to go.

He doesn’t go.  He starts getting a little rougher, kisses her deeper, by this time he has his penis out of his pants without her even realizing it and wraps her fingers around it with his hand.  He tells her she “can’t get him hard and then just leave him like that” but his tone isn’t as nice as it was when they started.  She says no and pulls her hand away.  He grabs her hand and starts walking down the hallway.  “I know you are a good girl, you have to say no.  Let me help you be bad” His grip on her hand is firm.  “Where is your room?” he asks.  She numbly answers.

Sam doesn’t even realize his kisses are not longer being returned.  Jean is no longer a participant and he doesn’t even care.

They have sex.  Sam gets up, gets dressed, and leaves, making sure to drop a quick kiss on Jean’s lips as he walks out the door, “Thanks babe, talk later” and he’s gone.

Jean knows she won’t hear from him again.  She locks the door, crawls back into bed, trying to figure out what happened.  As she closes her eyes, a single tear slides down her cheek.

No, this isn’t an except from a book.  It is a situation a lot of single women between the ages of 25-45 face, sometimes more than once.  They didn’t want sex but they learn sometimes it is easier to just let it happen than it is to fight him off.  They think to themselves, he’s not the first guy I’ve slept with, he won’t be the last.  Just let him get it over with so he’ll leave.  This is not a “woe is women” or a “let’s bash men” blog, it is about opening our eyes to some of the problems we face in our society.

She will clearly blame herself for letting it happen because, often, we are taught it is the woman’s fault if something goes wrong in the relationship so in this case, she will think she did something to make him think it was ok to sleep with her.

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First, let’s put it out there, Men like sex, women like sex.  The whole myth about men liking it more is ridiculous.

Society teaches women…..”Good Girls Say No” “Bad Girls say yes”

Society teaches men……”Good girls say no because they have to, but they really want it”

Do you see a problem with the teaching????  It leads to MAJOR PROBLEMS.

Growing up in the Law & Order, Law & Order SVU era, we learned rape happens, we learn it can happen by people we know.  What we don’t learn is, Rape isn’t always obvious.  In every episode, the woman (or man) KNOWS they were raped or they were drugged and don’t know a thing.

In this scenario, was Jean raped?  She said no.  She NEVER said yes.  Did she lead him to her room?  Yes, but it wasn’t because she wanted sex with him.  It is because she had been down this road before and knew he wasn’t going to leave until he had sex with her.  At some point, it’s easier to go numbly along than to put up so much of a fight that it feels too much like rape to forget.  But you still don’t forget.  It stays in your memory.

As I talked to women I know about this subject, they sadly recalled a time (or two) it happened to them.  They remember the details like it was yesterday.  They didn’t want sex with the man.  It wasn’t about being a “good girl” it was about the fact HE wasn’t someone they wanted sex with.

Over time, as women who date, as women who do enjoy sex WITH THE RIGHT PERSON, we learn to accept the fact sometimes men are going to get sex if they want it.  They begin to believe they agreed to it.  They chalk it up to a bad decision.  The convince themselves THEY wanted it.  Why?  Because they feel like they contributed to it.  Maybe they shouldn’t have kissed him back.  Why did they show them where the bedroom is? Why did they let him come inside in the first place? Women are taught to accept the blame, because we “know how men can be.”

For some women, they choose they men poorly and it continues to happen.  Perhaps it is a self-esteem issue, perhaps they were raised in the belief you give the man what he wants if you want to keep him, who knows.  I can see how it could easily lead to a different path, like prostitution.  She begins to feel like, hey, if men are going to keep having sex with me when I don’t want it, I might as well get paid for it.  I’m not saying it happens all the time, I am saying it can be understood HOW one might leap from one to the other.

How do we change this?  Honestly, I don’t know if we really can, but it starts with society changing their views…..

For women:  GOOD GIRLS can enjoy sex without feeling guilty about it.  Having consensual sex does not change who you are as a person.

A woman is not a slut if she has sex on the first date.  If they both want to have sex, GREAT.  Now, that doesn’t mean it is advised if you are looking for something long-term and meaningful, but that is for another blog.

Just because you invite him in doesn’t give him the right to expect sex.

Just because you make out with him doesn’t give him the right to expect sex.

Make sure your NO means no, and when you want to say yes, just say yes….don’t feel bad about it

For Men:  Women enjoy sex as much as you, doesn’t mean every woman wants to sleep with you.

No means no, it does NOT mean she is only saying no to put on an appearance of being a good girl.

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Buying her dinner does not give you the right to expect sex

Being invited in to her home does not automatically mean she wants sex, maybe she does sometimes, maybe she doesn’t.

Just because she kisses you doesn’t give you the right to expect it will lead to sex.

I don’t want anyone to think I am making light of rape.  Rape is a heinous crime and happens more often than we even know.

The only way we can stop some of this from happening is to start talking about it. Having open discussions between men and women.  Getting past the negative views society puts on women for enjoying sex so they can talk more openly about the time sex happened they DID NOT want.

It starts with non-judgment and honesty.

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